tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49778521348020592992024-02-01T23:25:44.367-08:00My Little SunshineAurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-5097354731445939142014-10-06T21:02:00.002-07:002014-10-07T19:44:11.048-07:00I've been thinking...
Before Bella was born, I was terrified. I was afraid of what
our future held. I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to love her. I was
scared that we, as a family, wouldn't love her the way that she deserved to be
loved; that we just wouldn't know how… I know that sounds awful, but I was afraid that we'd fail.
The day Bella was born I had never felt more fearless. The
moment I laid eyes Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-8316352177479720312013-10-21T20:13:00.002-07:002013-10-21T20:13:14.374-07:00To Bella..My Bella,
It was a Wednesday the day you were born. I went to work the day before and I had no idea that you were slowly planning your great escape. My calendar was filled with weekly doctors appointments for the next few weeks. There was a big circle around December 21st that said, "Bella's Birthday!!" in bright pink letters, and right next to it, on the following day there was a small note Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-28409672888706738142013-09-10T19:32:00.001-07:002013-09-10T19:32:11.808-07:00For the Love of Bella
Bella's 4th Birthday is just around the corner. I can't believe that so much time has passed. I often find myself wondering what Bella would be like. I wonder what she'd look like or how she'd behave. This part of the year is extremely hard for me.
I'll be honest, there isn't anything that scares me more than thinking that Bella could one day be forgotten. It's going to be 3 years since Bella Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-22200019059999688962013-06-24T13:00:00.000-07:002013-06-24T13:00:01.466-07:00SurvivingSomeone asked me the other day how I was doing, and I knew what she was meaning to ask. I was a little taken back because it's been a while since anyone has asked that. I thought for a second before I spoke and I simply answered, "I'm okay, thank you for asking."
To be completely honest, I didn't actually want to be asked. I really wanted to end the conversation there because I've learned over Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-21334207483499682762013-06-12T19:32:00.001-07:002013-06-12T19:32:28.976-07:00I'd love to be anywhere, with her...I remember the last time I held her as if it were just yesterday.
The events of that day will forever be engraved in my soul, for all of eternity.
I carried her in my arms down to the hospital basement and to any person passing by, I was just another mother carrying her sleeping child; the nurses had draped a blanket over Bella's body so that no one could see her. I remember walking out of that Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-79664169791334388052013-05-31T17:36:00.001-07:002013-05-31T17:36:55.163-07:00Grateful..
This picture was taken on December 2nd, 2010. Five days before Bella passed away. This was the last time that she was responsive. It was the last time that she grasped for a toy. The last time she was fully awake...
There was an overcast outside. I could see the big billboard that announced Saint Jude Hospital and the need for donations. There were people walking this way and that way, Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-75627400596499915392013-03-28T15:20:00.001-07:002013-03-28T15:21:25.517-07:00LovebugOn some of the hardest days I feel like Bella always finds a way to let me know she's with me... Whether it be a shooting star, a butterfly, or a lady bug, she just always seems to know when I need her; this morning was no exception. She was all I could think about this morning and I found myself feeling rather distraught.
When I arrived at my desk, I noticed a little ladybug making its way Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-40235934859865609492013-03-25T18:16:00.000-07:002013-03-25T18:16:19.934-07:00Allowing myself to feel...It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 18 days; 839 days to be exact.Yet, here I am, not seeing any signs of light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm not sure if it's because I refuse to see it, or if I simply haven't walked far enough to get there. I just miss her. All the time. Every moment of every single day.
I've been emotionally all over the place lately.
I'm not happy.
I'm actually Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-49254941453967260822012-10-28T14:15:00.000-07:002012-11-07T14:20:22.902-08:00Happy Birthday LovebugOn October 28th, 2009, I went into labor unexpectedly. I can still vividly remember every single detail as though it were just yesterday.
4 am: The contractions began. I tossed and turned. I paced back and forth.
6 am: I showered in hot water. Exactly what I shouldn't have done.
8 am: I called the perinatal nurse. She told me to go straight to Labor & Delivery.
12 pm: It was confirmed that Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-75603817582545136912012-10-18T18:09:00.003-07:002012-10-18T18:10:52.407-07:00Love My little Bella,
Your birthday is only 10 days away.
There are some days when I have to work really, really hard to pretend that everything is okay. They aren't often, and it isn't always, but they are still there. Sometimes I wake up and find that I've been crying, and I know it's because you were in my dreams. There are days when I replay all of the events in your life over and over in Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-86729494148904435222012-09-12T17:51:00.005-07:002012-09-24T17:56:02.856-07:00Smile, embrace the change.There have been quite a few changes in my life lately. I've got a whole new routine going on, school is back in session, and at the end of this month my brother will be leaving me to go to UC Davis. These changes have been difficult for me because generally I'm not a big fan of change. I mean really, who is? I'm okay with small changes, just not the big ones. They scare me. I mean just the Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-79983573479994460772012-08-06T17:11:00.002-07:002012-09-24T17:35:33.999-07:00ChangesTomorrow will be the 7th of August, and it'll also be the date that marks four months closer to her two year anniversary. Two years..
I
didn't know what anyone meant when they said that there would be times
that the grief would just sneak up behind you and swallow you whole. I
didn't understand what anyone meant when they said that the simplest
things would bring it all back like a jolt of Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-67832176859696930682012-06-29T02:31:00.001-07:002012-06-29T02:31:22.007-07:00I'm scared to forget..Around this time 3 years ago, I was pregnant with Bella. Three years. I mean really, where has time gone? And I'm not asking in that Wow, time flies type of way, I'm asking in that how in the world did I make it here? type of way. I look back at the road I've traveled, and I find myself wishing that I could take all the steps back. Wishing that I could just back track to that place Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-71372321402307705522012-05-21T01:42:00.000-07:002012-05-21T01:42:48.616-07:00"You know, through pain, you learn a lot about yourself--things you thought you never knew you wanted to learn. And it's kind of like those animals that regrow a part of their body--like starfish. You might not feel it now. You might not even want to grow, but you will. You'll grow the part that broke off, and that growing, that blooming-- cannot happen without the pain." -Kelle Hampton
I'm Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-73679484225160121502012-04-28T16:33:00.000-07:002012-09-12T13:47:48.199-07:00We walk.. For the Love of BellaOur team name is For the Love of Bella. The name just fits. It fits the way that Bella fit into my life.. perfectly.
This is our second year walking in the March of Dimes, and I'm really glad that we did. I'm not the most organized person in the world, but I really am working on it. Last year we arrived a little late to the walk, but this year we improved and made it on time! I did stay up Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-76261028043192833582012-04-09T01:23:00.002-07:002012-04-09T01:24:15.986-07:00Happy EasterIt's strange how some holidays are harder than others. I don't know what makes them different, but some just are. Easter was hard for me last year, and even harder this year. We spent one Easter together. It was raining really hard. Bella was wearing the cutest Easter outfit, completely inappropriate for the weather, but it didn't matter because she'd be inside the whole time anyway. She spent Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-42609371425365959182012-03-26T02:44:00.001-07:002012-03-29T01:00:17.233-07:00Guilt
Lately, she's all I can think of.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see her.
I see the life that could've been.
The one that I believe should've been.
This is the last picture that I got of Bella awake.
It was December 2nd, 2010.
Everyone had already gone home. It was only the three of us left in that hospital room. Bella had been baptized earlier that day. It wasn't the Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-12019091990436948062012-01-24T21:32:00.000-08:002012-01-24T21:51:57.421-08:00Dear Bella,School has started again. Once again, I'm rushing here and there and everywhere. I find myself pressed for time every single day. Sometimes I wonder how I did it with you here. Maybe that's the part of being a mom that no one really tells you about. The part where no matter what kind of day you have or how many things you have to do, you can always find time for your child. I&Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-85141785826455998842011-12-01T20:56:00.000-08:002011-12-01T22:25:44.907-08:00December is here.One year ago today I was told that there was nothing more that the doctors could do for Bella.
One year ago today I sat next to her crib watching her, waiting for a sign that this was all a mistake.
One year ago today I realized that we had lost our battle; that my daughter was dying and there was nothing I could do about it.
She looked at me with those curious brown eyes of hers as they Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-7279838442240701562011-11-21T10:53:00.000-08:002011-11-21T21:00:19.726-08:00Oakland.There was a remembrance ceremony held by Oakland Kaiser in honor of the children that had died at their hospital. They asked us to send pictures because they were making a slide show. I went. I didn't know what to expect, but I went.
The minute we crossed the Bay Bridge, I could feel it. When we took the same exit that I had taken so many times to get to the hospital, I could feel the Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-21970252629582141892011-11-08T20:20:00.000-08:002011-11-08T20:27:32.111-08:00Bella's Second BirthdayYou were Bella, pure and simple. There was nobody else like you. I knew it the moment I first laid eyes on you.
What if things had been different? What if you had been born healthy? What if things didn't have to turn out the way they did?
You wouldn't have been you. We wouldn't have been us.
We figured out what to do for your birthday Lovebug, and it couldn't have been more perfect. On the Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-10735205709896713002011-10-25T19:43:00.000-07:002011-10-25T19:43:58.559-07:00CompleteThey walk.
They talk.
They laugh.
They play.
They like certain cartoon characters.
They know what their favorite foods are.
Two year olds can do those things.
My two year old cannot and I wish with all my heart that she could.
Lately, I find myself going back to that place that I’ve been avoiding for so long. That place where I wish that this wouldn’t have happened to us; where I replay Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-55316424208557632332011-10-18T18:56:00.000-07:002011-10-18T19:03:15.250-07:00Almost 2Oh little Lovebug, the day is getting closer. Only 10 days away.
Who would've thought?
A year ago, I was stressng about your candy boxes not arriving in time for your party. I had ordered weeks before and they still hadn't arrived. They matched everything. The theme, the cake, your outfit. It probably wouldn't have made a difference to anyone, but I wanted everything Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-55221794704740458312011-08-25T18:09:00.000-07:002011-08-25T18:13:43.840-07:00Think of her. Even if for just one second.There is only one thing in the world that I want right now.
There is only one person that I wish to see.
I wish to be able to hold her, just one last time.
To have her look up at me with those captivating brown eyes of hers.
To see her smile.
I wish I could feel the weight of her in my arms, just for a little while.
To have her reach up with those chubby arms of hers.
To have her lay her Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4977852134802059299.post-47645413358895803292011-07-31T23:51:00.000-07:002011-07-31T23:51:10.846-07:00ElephantsElephants live in a society much like ours. They travel in matriarchal packs, mothers and daughters walk side by side for years with their aunts and sisters. They are either right handed or left handed. They find their way home years after they have left. When they are close to dying they make their way to a river bed for nature to take its course.
Elephants bury their dead, and grieve.
Aurora Floreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05960951336092543742noreply@blogger.com1