I've been thinking...

Before Bella was born, I was terrified. I was afraid of what our future held. I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to love her. I was scared that we, as a family, wouldn't love her the way that she deserved to be loved; that we just wouldn't know how… I know that sounds awful, but I was afraid that we'd fail. 

The day Bella was born I had never felt more fearless. The moment I laid eyes on her, I can only describe it as an overwhelming sense of peace. I had not felt that calm in months, nor had I known such a reassuring feeling like in that moment. I knew in those first moments that Bella and I were exactly where we were meant to be. She was meant for me, and I was meant for her. It was the first time that I muttered the words, “Everything will be okay,” loud enough to convince myself that it was the truth. From that day forward, that became my daily mantra. I said it when I didn't believe it. I said it over and over again, hoping desperately that saying it out loud would make it the truth. 

When Bella looked into my eyes, I could almost hear her telling me that it would all be okay. It was as though she was the only person who could truly see how terrified I really was. When she looked at me, her eyes revealed that she knew so much more than I. I have never encountered a stronger person than Bella, and I don’t think I ever will. Bella wiped my tears away on more occasions than she should have. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and it was as if she could see straight into my soul.

Bella would have been 5 years old this year. My daughter should be in kindergarten. I should be packing daily lunches and making sure to have her outfits ready the night before. I should be worrying about getting her to school on time and then wonder all day what she could possibly be doing at school. I can't help but think of what life would be like if she were still here...

I miss her all the time. I see little girls named Bella everywhere. I notice things more than I used to like a butterfly soaring leisurely through the air or how the sun peeks out through the clouds in the moments when I need it the most. I think it's Bella's way of showing me that she's always with me. I refuse to believe that she's gone. She lives in my heart, and she'll be there forever.

It's been almost 4 years since Bella passed away. I don't miss her any less and I'm so grateful. The pain is no longer as noticeable as it used to be, but it's become a familiar part of me. I still cry out of nowhere. I still have sudden flashbacks. I still ponder constantly about what life would be like with her here. But I also know that no matter what, I'm eternally grateful that Bella is mine and will always be... I may not have had the time I had with her, but I still get my forever... Love is far too powerful to be defeated by death. I'll love Bella forever and ever, until we meet again.

To Bella..

My Bella,

It was a Wednesday the day you were born. I went to work the day before and I had no idea that you were slowly planning your great escape. My calendar was filled with weekly doctors appointments for the next few weeks. There was a big circle around December 21st that said, "Bella's Birthday!!" in bright pink letters, and right next to it, on the following day there was a small note that said, "Bella's surgery." I would flip through the small pocket calendar over and over counting the days until I would meet you.

That Tuesday was just like any other day. I counted the days, I counted your kicks, and I prayed for the strength to be brave. As the days inched closer to your due date I grew more and more afraid. I wanted to meet you more than you know, but to be honest my love, I was terrified of everything you'd have to go through. I feared that I wouldn't be able to be the mother you needed. Over and over I tried to talk myself out of that terrible fear, but it didn't work. I was terrified. On that Tuesday, I had no idea that it'd be the last time I'd allow myself to truly admit my fear out loud.

I had stopped dreaming about you by that time. Fear had filled my thoughts at night to the point that I didn't allow myself to dream. Instead, I strategically planned our future together. I read blogs from other mothers and I took notes. I looked for all the latex free things I could find. I figured out ways to tell everyone that you'd be okay. I prayed to God that I could be the mother you needed.

I was already so deeply in love with you Bella. I loved you from the moment that I knew of your existance. I may have been scared, but to be completely honest, you stole my heart and that fear was no match for you. I knew about the medical issues the day that they told me you were a girl, and even then, I went and bought your first outfit. I cried as I picked out that little set of footsie pajamas with the cupcake on it. I held it in my arms and I silently begged God to make it all go away. I debated with myself about whether I should buy it or not. I wandered around the girl section with the words from the doctors echoing in my head. Chances of mental retardation. Developmental delays. Physical disablility. Spina Bifida. Hydrocyphalus. I tried to shake them off, but they were there. I remember taking a deep breath and walking to the counter. I paid for the adorable little PJ's and I assured you that this was only the beginning my love. As I walked away, with the onesie in hand, I felt more and more determined to be your voice, to love you like no one else could, to be the mother I was meant to be.

The night before you were born, I tossed and I turned. I felt the pressure in my stomach, but I didn't understand what it meant. Bella, I'm sorry that I didn't know. I've replayed that night in my head over and over, searching for an alternative scenario. Maybe if I had noticed during the day or if I'd complained about the pain sooner. Maybe you could've grown and been stronger for your surgery. Maybe, if things had gone as planned, you'd still be here. I'd be planning your 4th birthday the way it was meant to be.

I love you Bella. I love you more than words could ever truly express. You are my heart, my soul, my everything. I miss you every single moment of every single day. That won't ever change. I promise.

For the Love of Bella

Bella's 4th Birthday is just around the corner. I can't believe that so much time has passed. I often find myself wondering what Bella would be like. I wonder what she'd look like or how she'd behave. This part of the year is extremely hard for me.

I'll be honest, there isn't anything that scares me more than thinking that Bella could one day be forgotten. It's going to be 3 years since Bella passed away, and it's harder for me to tell people about her. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that seeing people's reactions is difficult. Not everyone knows what to say, and I'm still trying to save my own broken heart. I think about her all the time. She's the first person I think of in the morning, and the last before I go to sleep. My love for her hasn't changed one bit, it's just harder now to talk about her.

This year, in honor of Bella's 4th Birthday I've decided to do Random Acts of Kindness. The idea stemmed from the miss foundation, where families perform acts of kindness in honor of their loved ones who have passed. The idea behind it is that together we can keep their memory alive while spreading love. So, I had some "kindness cards" made and we're going to start distributing them. Bella brought me so much love, and by spreading acts of kindness, it's my way of sharing.

Bella was such a little diva. She didn't like the sun in her eyes or the wind in her face. It was strictly shade and indoors for my little one. She had little baby mood swings, which I truly loved. She'd wake up some mornings with the biggest smile on her face, and others she'd simply want to be left alone like a little princess. The reason I share this with you is because I want you to know how much Bella changed my world. For one year, one month, and nine days Bella was my very own little piece of Heaven on Earth. I was so lucky to have been given such a gift.

So please, consider doing an act of kindness in honor of my sweet Bella. You can check out the details here.

I'd also like to thank YOU for reading about my Bella. It truly means the world. This blog has turned into a place where I can share her. I can share my worries, my joys, my memories. I just truly appreciate it.