Guilt

Lately, she's all I can think of.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see her.

I see the life that could've been.

The one that I believe should've been.

This is the last picture that I got of Bella awake.

It was December 2nd, 2010. 

 Everyone had already gone home. It was only the three of us left in that hospital room. Bella had been baptized earlier that day. It wasn't the way that it should've been done. There was no beautiful white dress. There wasn't a priest of our choice. It didn't happen in church.

I had once believed that we had time to do that. I had been putting it off, and then I was slapped in the face by reality; time was not on our side.

That picture, that moment, it just keeps replaying in my head. I close my eyes and I see Bella grabbing for the toy. I hear myself talking to her, telling her what a silly girl she is. I feel the strength of her grasp. I remember how it felt to have her tug with a determination that I thought would save her.

I took a total of seven pictures that day. Seven. I should've taken more, but I didn't. And now, I'm trying my hardest to remember the rest of that day. The following days. The days before that day,

The memories are blurry, and it's a very scary feeling. You know, I don't even remember the exact words that the doctors said. I should remember. Those were words that changed everything. They were words that led me to believe that we had lost our battle. They had given up, and somehow, so did I. Which is why, I'm trying so hard to remember the exact words. It won't change anything, I know that. But I wish I could convince myself that there really was no other option. That I didn't just give up on her because they had.

I'm feeling really guilty lately. My mind has been wandering back to places that I didn't even know existed before. From the very beginning, when I first found out that I was pregnant all the way to the very end. I've managed to question every decision, and I know that it's not getting me anywhere. I know the past can't be changed. It's just that I don't understand, and I need to. I failed Bella in many ways. I was so young and inexperienced. I had decided to go through with my pregnancy because I had fallen in love with Bella. I honestly believed from the bottom of my heart that love would get us through. I was very naive. I had nothing to offer Bella. I became a single mom at 20 years old, determined to give Bella the best life that I could. I didn't care that Bella's dad wanted nothing to do with any of it. All I knew was that Bella was mine, and that I loved her enough for the both of us. Sometimes I think that that's why God took her back. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. Maybe I loved her too much for our own good.

Even if that were the reason, I'll never be able to love Bella any less because I just simply can't. I'll never stop missing her. I'll never stop wishing that I could've been a mom for a longer period of time. It just won't happen. I know what it's like now, to be a mother. I've known what it is to bring another human being into this world, and it's changed me completely.

What I'm really trying to say is, I've just been missing her.

I'm assuming that this is grief at it's finest.

She would've been two years and five months old this coming Wednesday.
I don't even need to look at the calendar to know that.
My heart just simply knows.