Every day..

Every single day gets just a little bit harder. The unbearable pain that I was so afraid of has settled in at the pit of my stomach and doesn't seem to have any plans of leaving. There is an emptiness in my heart that I never knew was even there. It's amazing how such a tiny little person made me feel so complete. Every morning when I wake up, I hope to turn around and find her there. When I dream of her, I don't want to ever wake up. It doesn't matter if the dream is bad or good, I just want to be with her.

I dreamt that I was holding her. That she was dressed in the last outfit I put her in. Her body was still. In my dream I knew she was gone, but I wanted to hold on forever. I woke up from that dream, hoping that it was only a nightmare. Hoping that I'd turn around and Bella would be right there, sleeping peacefully. It was then that I realized that I'd never really wake up from that nightmare; for this nightmare is my new reality. It's a struggle to convince myself that each day is worth living. It's exhausting to smile and pretend that everything is going to be okay. It's tiring to hear people say that they are amazed at how well I'm taking things; as if they know exactly what I feel. They have no idea of the battle I fight every day. They have no idea what the agony feels like; the emptiness that I feel every single moment of every single day.

On January 15th, 2010, Bella came home from the NICU. I remember feeling absolute bliss as we packed all her belongings and dressed her in her "going home" outfit. We had practically moved into the NICU by that time, so her dad had to make a few trips to the car with her stuff. I remember the excitement, it was a beautiful feeling. The doctors and nurses all said their good bye's to Bella and wished us a wonderful future toether. She graduated from the NICU that day, she even got her very first diploma.
I remember stepping onto that elevator, Bella in hand, feeling like the luckiest person on earth. We were finally going home, where Bella belonged. My mind was racing with all the things we could do, all the people we needed to see, all the pictures I had to take. The drive home seemed to be taking longer than usual. When we got home, we had a few people there; and as much as I love them, I really just wanted to be alone with Bella. I patiently waited as everyone got to hold her and marvel at her beauty. I remember that when everyone left, I just sat there and admired her. It was me and her, in our own world. I don't know how long I sat there with her, I'm not even sure if I really slept that night, but I do know that I absolutely loved every minute of it. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to that day. To hold her so dearly again, to soak in every single detail of her little face.

Memories. They float around in my head all day, every day. Everywhere I go, there's something there to remind me of Bella. I still have her carseat in my car. I carry the extra pacifier in my purse. I make sure there's always a picture nearby, just in case.. I try not to drive by the hospital, or the park, or the cementery if it's too late to go in. I miss her so much. When I drive by those places, my heart breaks just a little bit more. Sometimes I think, This is it. My heart can't break any more. It's completely shattered.. But, I'm always wrong. It's very much possible for my heart to break a little bit more. The pieces keep breaking into smaller pieces, and the pain hurts that much more each time.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.