Almost 2

Oh little Lovebug, the day is getting closer. Only 10 days away.

Who would've thought?

A year ago, I was stressng about your candy boxes not arriving in time for your party. I had ordered weeks before and they still hadn't arrived. They matched everything. The theme, the cake, your outfit. It probably wouldn't have made a difference to anyone, but I wanted everything to be perfect. I had carefully planned out your entire birthday party. I wanted everyone to join us in celebrating our wonderful accomplishment. We had made it. We had beat the odds. You were happy, I was happy.
Yes, we practically lived in a hospital at that point, but it didn't matter. I had you.

I had spent the weeks leading up to your party trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get you out of the hospital. I had planned to become that mean parent that demands to go home and gets her way. Yes, Lovebug, I was planning on being mean. Then I thought that I didn't want to embarrass you, so I figured I'd cry our way out of there. Much less embarrassing right? We had a party to throw, and I was getting desparate. It had been weeks, literally weeks of doctors guessing what was wrong. They ran this test, and that test, and then they'd start all over again. Everyone knew us. Everyone. Doctors, nurses, social workers, the janitors, the cafeteria guy (he always said a prayer for you), they all knew you by name. Long story short, we made it out. Your dad thinks it's because his job sent cookies to the nurses, I know it's because they had ran out of a plan and all of our questions were getting to them. Either way, you were free!

Your party was a success. We all gathered together and sang happy birthday to you. You looked beautiful in your tutu. It was custom made. Princesses usually get their stuff custom made. There were kids everywhere. I keep thinking of that day. Of all that we had to go through to get there. I'm reminded constantly of how naive I was then. I thought, We made it. The first year is the hardest. I can breathe now. Someone lied Lovebug. Someone meant well, but they gave me false hope.

I miss you. Your birthday is right around the corner and I can't plan. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what to do. It seems strange to have a "party" without you physically here. But it feels strange not to come together again like last year. I want to celebrate your life. I want to share the unconditional love that you brought into my life; into our lives. I want everyone to think of you. I want everyone to know. Everyone deserves to know about you.

Something will come to mind. I don't think it's what we do that matters; the only thing that matters is that we'll come together and remember you. Don't worry Lovebug, we'll figure something out. I love you.