I never want to forget..

I had a dream about her last night. I saw her beautiful face, those eyes, and that contagious smile; the happiness in her little face was undeniable. She's happy.  

Words can't explain how much I miss her. They can't explain the profound emptiness in my heart. Words can't even begin to describe the harshness of my new reality. The heartbreak that I endure every single day that she's not with me. I wish there were words to explain; there aren't any that are the least bit close.

I woke up feeling.. okay, actually. I kept seeing her smile in my mind. I didn't want to let my dream go. I sat there and kept envisioning it. I kept going back to it. I didn't want to lose that smile. I didn't want to forget. I'm scared of forgetting. I'm afraid of one day waking up and forgetting what that beautiful smile looks like. I'm terrified that one day I'll struggle to remember. I wonder if that's even possible; I hope it's not possible. I don't ever want to forget this pain either. As crazy as it sounds, I want to feel this pain forever. I don't want it to go away. I want it to remind me every single day of what I'm missing. I don't want to wake up one day and not have Bella be the first thing I think about. I'm scared of that happening. I'm terrified actually.

My brother used to watch Bella on Satuday's while I'd go to work. He used to say it was his time to catch up with her about their week. He'd sing to her, they'd watch t.v., and "conversate" with one another (he did most of the talking). I remember one day I got home from work, Bella was laying in her boppy watching my brother talk to her. I walked into the room and started calling her name. I remember she turned to look at me and smiled; it made my heart melt. That smile made every day worth living. I remember picking her up and kissing her little cheeks, I felt so lucky to be able to come home to that. I thanked God for my perfect little blessing.

I never took those moments for granted. I appreciated every smile, every giggle, every flirtacious look Bella gave me. It's not fair. There are mothers that don't even give their children the time of day. I was willing to give up everything for Bella. Everything. I just don't understand. They say there's a reason for it all, but honestly, that doesn't make anything remotely better. It makes me angry; it shouldn't, but it does. I kept thinking to myself that I can't be angry, but I realized, I have every right to be. I love her. I loved being a mom. I loved being pregnant. I loved every single thing about Bella. I loved our wonderful, sometimes hectic life together. It was perfect, and I'd give anything to have it back. Anything.


What is part of us,

for however long,

is us.

And will forever be.