So while there are mothers out there that complain about their baby that won't sleep, their baby that gets into everything, or the child that constantly wants to be with them, I long for an opportunity to deal with any of those things. I long for those sleepless nights. I ache to hear that cry, just one more time. I yearn for the feeling I'd get everytime she'd look for me with those big brown eyes.
As each day passes, I realize more and more how much of my identity is gone. I was a mother. Honestly, since the day I found out I was pregnant, that was the new me. When I gave birth to Bella I talked proudly about my wonderful daughter. I'd brag about how strong and brave she was. I wanted everyone to know about her. When she passed away, it was difficult to explain that my wonderful, brave little girl was gone; that I'd no longer have any new wonderful things to tell about her. There are no longer new pictures to show off. There are no more stories to tell of her bravery. There are simply memories. Memories that I can no longer share because the death of a child is something that no one wants to deal with. So, to the outside world I am a student, I am a woman, but I am no longer what I want to be more than anything else, a mother. How I had yearned to hear her call me mom. Now I am me, the me I was before Bella, except now I know that there was something missing all along. I wasn't complete until I met her.
Its been three months and 10 days since Bella returned to Heaven, but to me it feels like its been an eternity. I feel like the days drag on. People are astonished that we are already in March. I, on the other hand, am very well aware that we are in March; it feels like it took years to get here. I don't want to grow old anymore, I don't want to live a long life.
A healthy life, long enough to make a difference in at least one persons life, and then I want to be done. I'd like to get back to being Bella's mom.
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| Someday Lovebug, It'll be you & me again. |
Oh honey. I'm so sorry it is still so painful for you. I know that you will never truly be free from the hurt of losing Bella - and I know you don't want to be free from it. But I do pray that with each new day you will find new purpose, renewed spirit, and new aspects of your identity. You are still a mother. You will always be Bella's mother. There are mothers out there who, like you, have lost a child - they don't retire the title of "mother" and neither should you. And now you are going on this journey that no mother would ever choose to go on - but too many find themselves on. Have you found any other mothers out there who have similar experiences? I can't help but feel it would help you feel connected to something bigger. I know you will always have us as a support group - but there are ways in which we cannot relate, and I know deep down you feel that missing link. I'm praying God will bless you with guidance and peace - and that you will keep searching and being strong for your Bella. You want to live to make a difference - then do it. Don't give up sweet friend. Just keep going. For Bella's sake. <3
ReplyDeleteMuch love
Joanna
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Just reading your blog brings me to tears. I have a son with Spina Bifida and you are living my worst fear...I'm sorry that it had to be you! I'm sorry for all of your pain. Your daughter is beautiful and will always be your daughter. Look at her pictures every day and she will smile down at you from above!!
ReplyDeleteBless you and may you soon be filled with happiness again!
I can not imagine how the hole in your heart feels. I understand that you feel like your identity is gone with your angel. It is not the same but when I lost triplet boys while still pregnant, I felt that way...empty, alone, unidentified and misunderstood. People would say stupid things without meaning to and the truth is that nothing helped but time. I now have a baby boy with SB and he did not replace the three sons that I lost before. I loved them, I saw them and I buried them. I had dreams, hopes and prayers for them. My living son has given me a place to direct that love. He gets the love that four boys would get. You may have that in your future but your love bug is always with you first and foremost. As I fall asleep tonight, I will pray for peace and a sweet dream for you. I will hold my baby tighten to honor your love for your baby girl. I wish I could hug you and make it better. Just know you are both in other hearts tonight and you have a purpose here on earth and it is already being served. Bless you with love-Lorelei
ReplyDeleteHi Aurora - I too have a daughter with SB. My heart aches for you and your loss. What a beautiful little angel she was. I believe confidently that she is in Heaven with her Maker and I am glad to hear you have that reassurance as well. When my daughter was in the NICU, I read Psalms 61:1-4 constantly. I have read it a lot during other difficult experiences, particularly the loss of a loved one. My faith has sustained me through some trials, though they do not compare to losing a child. But I am certain that Christ's love and grace is enough for even this. I will keep you in my prayers. As Joanna said, "Don't give up." You will find purpose in all this. Allow yourself to grieve and to remember. You will see brighter days ahead.
ReplyDeletePsalm 61:1-4 says, "Hear my cry O Lord attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth, will I cry out to Thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to a rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Thy tabernacle forever; I will trust in the cover of your wings."
Thinking of you <3
ReplyDeleteAurora, I love that pic of you and Bella. You are both so beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI like to hear stories of your Bella. She was so loved. People live their whole lives and never have the love that you have for her and it looks like, her for you.
Although my daughter has a new little baby now to hold, we still miss our Riley all the time.However, it does help to be busy. When I rock our new baby I always talk to Riley and tell her that I would be doing this with her if she were here. I just finished our "Riley" park out near my grandchildrens play yard. She is always in the wind for me. When I put in the last brick, a wind came up from no where, very strong. I smiled and cried and said "Oh, you like your new park huh?!. It's O.K. Aurora to make Bella's spirit very real for you. You deal with your grief anyway that you can, and you will decide how you will fit everything that has happened to you, into your future life. I never thought our family could go on. Well, we never went "on" as we did before. We created a new way to live.We are finding ways to keep Riley fresh in our memories. I always thought (and sometimes still do) that if I am not constantly grieving , I'm not remembering. Not true. Honey, just let it pour over you when the grief comes, don't fight it. Then....just start doing some work. You can say to yourself, I will let go again later, but now I will do this task before me. You can keep doing this until you find a rhythm. You may have to force yourself to do this at first. You can do this Aurora. You sound like a woman that knows her own heart. I am thinking of you. Life WILL have meaning again. It will....it will. I know for now you will just have to take my word for it. Cyber hug, Susan