Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I wish..

Today I think it finally hit me. It's almost like I was hit by a ton of bricks. The realization that Bella is gone and I'm alone, has finally hit; it hurts more than I could've imagined. I feel sick to my stomach. I hate myself for letting her go the way I did. I hate the Doctors for giving up so quickly. I want to hate God for taking the most important person in my life. I feel like I could've fought harder, like I could've had more time with her. Why didn't I put up a fight? Why didn't I question things further? Why, if I had fought so hard from the beginning, why did I let them give up so easily? Why?    
I've been visiting her everyday, and each day it gets harder. I miss her so much, words can't explain it. My whole world revolved around my lovebug, and I loved every minute of it. The good and the bad days, all of it, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.
The hospital stays were hard, but honestly, as long as I had Bella none of it mattered. I could've stayed there forever as long as I was with her. I know she's not coming back and everyone tells me that life does go on; but does it really? How am I supposed to go on? My heart is beyond shattered. I miss her smile. I miss her chubby arms and legs. I miss waking up to her face every morning. I miss everything about her. Everything.
I regret letting her go. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had my angel with me. I wish that I'd made the decision on my own. I wish that I would've found a solution. I wish that Bella would've outlived me.


  1. Aurora,
    We don't know each other but I just wanted to tell you I am so so sorry for your loss. My little girl is a year old and has spina bifida and hydrocephalus. I often feel sorry for us too when we are stuck in hospitals and everything we have to go through. You have made me realise that I need to enjoy and appreciate every moment. Thank you. It is clear just from reading your posts that you are a wonderful mum. Bella will be such a beautiful angel in heaven x

  2. Hello Aurora,
    I could not help but be moved by your posts. I have seven children, one of them with spina bifida. They are all my miracles. My firstborn died when he was 15. I cannot say that things are ever the same, but they do get better. I know that some day I will see my son again and that now he is somewhere looking down on us. Hang in there and know that you were there for your daughter while she was here.