Today I think it finally hit me. It's almost like I was hit by a ton of bricks. The realization that Bella is gone and I'm alone, has finally hit; it hurts more than I could've imagined. I feel sick to my stomach. I hate myself for letting her go the way I did. I hate the Doctors for giving up so quickly. I want to hate God for taking the most important person in my life. I feel like I could've fought harder, like I could've had more time with her. Why didn't I put up a fight? Why didn't I question things further? Why, if I had fought so hard from the beginning, why did I let them give up so easily? Why?
I've been visiting her everyday, and each day it gets harder. I miss her so much, words can't explain it. My whole world revolved around my lovebug, and I loved every minute of it. The good and the bad days, all of it, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.
The hospital stays were hard, but honestly, as long as I had Bella none of it mattered. I could've stayed there forever as long as I was with her. I know she's not coming back and everyone tells me that life does go on; but does it really? How am I supposed to go on? My heart is beyond shattered. I miss her smile. I miss her chubby arms and legs. I miss waking up to her face every morning. I miss everything about her. Everything.
I regret letting her go. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had my angel with me. I wish that I'd made the decision on my own. I wish that I would've found a solution. I wish that Bella would've outlived me.