A year ago today, I was in the hospital with Bella celebrating Christmas. I can't remember what she wore, and in all honesty I can't even remember most of the day. It saddens me that I just remember bits and pieces. I wish that I could go back and remember every single detail. I wish that I could've captured the day in my mind like some kind of video. Our first and last christmas together. I do know that I loved every single minute of that day, that I have no doubt of.
I do remember that one of her presents was a little stuffed pink hippo that played music. At night when I would leave to go home I would always turn the music on. I didn't want her to feel alone when I left. It was a horrible feeling having to say good night and to have to go home alone. The music that was supposed to be comforting for a baby was my good night; not comforting at all. The other day, I made the mistake of turning on the music. It made my stomach turn and made knots in my throat. I put it back in the bassinet. It makes me sad to remember, but at the same time it doesn't. That little pink hippo was a part of our journey together, and for that reasson, it stays.
I went to visit her grave sight today. It's still horrible to think that this is where I'll be visiting Bella for Christmas. I had imagined that as the years went by Bella and I would be baking cookies together and writing letters to Santa Clause. I had imagined that we'd be making hot chocolate with whipped cream on top, and that we'd cuddle and enjoy the day with each other. I can't believe that none of this is possible now.
She's in a better place. God needed his angel back. I know this is true. I know that the only way to go on with life is to have faith. I do have faith. I do believe. I know that I'm strong enough to do this. It doesn't take away the fact that I feel so incomplete. It doesn't take away the fact that my heart is completely broken. Or that every now and then I'm angry that she was taken away from me. I don't know when I'll be able to understand completely; maybe I never will. One thing I do know is that I will always love Bella. That she'll always live in my heart.
I thank God for allowing me to experience my little miracle. I thank him for those 13 months. I thank him for our one Christmas that we did spend together. I thank him for allowing me to be her mother.
I'm grateful that I was given the opportunity to spend my last days with her. I'm not sure that I would've been able to survive without those last memories. That smile. Those eyes. The brand new teeth. I'll cherish those memories forever.
I thought we had become friends; I was wrong. I never let myself need him, not even when I found out I was pregnant with Bella. I did it all on my own with no trouble. On the last days, I felt that we understood each other because of our love for Bella. I felt that we were on the same page. The day I lost her, he was gone too. My heart has been crushed twice. God must think I'm made of steel. He must really truly believe that I'm strong. I really wish he didn't. The one person that would be able to understand the pain I'm going through, has continued on with life. His life has gone back to normal. I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong. I believe that at some point, life has to go on as it was before; I'm just not anywhere near that yet. I'm angry at myself for letting myself believe that I needed him. I needed that other person to understand exactly what I was going through. I should've known that he wasn't someone I should rely on. I should've known that it wasn't his responsibility to be there for me. Why I thought he would be there is beyond me. I'm thankful for all the things he did do for Bella, though. And although I find myself extremely alone today, I am thankful to God for having given Bella a great Dad. He loved her the way that I loved her and for that I'll forever be grateful. My daughter deserved the best, and that she did have. The memories of them together will forever be embedded in my heart, and will always bring a smile to my face. Bella captured his heart, something she was great at.
Today life is not at all the way I had imagined, but I think it's safe to say, "If I survive this, I can survive anything." In two years I've experienced from the most beautiful to the most painful events in my life. I'm still standing, so that probably means that I'll be okay.