Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

A year ago today, I was in the hospital with Bella celebrating Christmas. I can't remember what she wore, and in all honesty I can't even remember most of the day. It saddens me that I just remember bits and pieces. I wish that I could go back and remember every single detail. I wish that I could've captured the day in my mind like some kind of video. Our first and last christmas together. I do know that I loved every single minute of that day, that I have no doubt of.
I do remember that one of her presents was a little stuffed pink hippo that played music. At night when I would leave to go home I would always turn the music on. I didn't want her to feel alone when I left. It was a horrible feeling having to say good night and to have to go home alone. The music that was supposed to be comforting for a baby was my good night; not comforting at all. The other day, I made the mistake of turning on the music. It made my stomach turn and made knots in my throat. I put it back in the bassinet. It makes me sad to remember, but at the same time it doesn't. That little pink hippo was a part of our journey together, and for that reasson, it stays.
I went to visit her grave sight today. It's still horrible to think that this is where I'll be visiting Bella for Christmas. I had imagined that as the years went by Bella and I would be baking cookies together and writing letters to Santa Clause. I had imagined that we'd be making hot chocolate with whipped cream on top, and that we'd cuddle and enjoy the day with each other. I can't believe that none of this is possible now.
 She's in a better place. God needed his angel back.  I know this is true. I know that the only way to go on with life is to have faith. I do have faith. I do believe. I know that I'm strong enough to do this. It doesn't take away the fact that I feel so incomplete. It doesn't take away the fact that my heart is completely broken. Or that every now and then I'm angry that she was taken away from me. I don't know when I'll be able to understand completely; maybe I never will. One thing I do know is that I will always love Bella. That she'll always live in my heart.
I thank God for allowing me to experience my little miracle. I thank him for those 13 months. I thank him for our one Christmas that we did spend together. I thank him for allowing me to be her mother.
I'm grateful that I was given the opportunity to spend my last days with her. I'm not sure that I would've been able to survive without those last memories. That smile. Those eyes. The brand new teeth. I'll cherish those memories forever.

I thought we had become friends; I was wrong. I never let myself need him, not even when I found out I was pregnant with Bella. I did it all on my own with no trouble. On the last days, I felt that we understood each other because of our love for Bella. I felt that we were on the same page. The day I lost her, he was gone too. My heart has been crushed twice. God must think I'm made of steel. He must really truly believe that I'm strong. I really wish he didn't. The one person that would be able to understand the pain I'm going through, has continued on with life. His life has gone back to normal. I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong. I believe that at some point, life has to go on as it was before; I'm just not anywhere near that yet. I'm angry at myself for letting myself believe that I needed him. I needed that other person to understand exactly what I was going through. I should've known that he wasn't someone I should rely on. I should've known that it wasn't his responsibility to be there for me. Why I thought he would be there is beyond me. I'm thankful for all the things he did do for Bella, though. And although I find myself extremely alone today, I am thankful to God for having given Bella a great Dad. He loved her the way that I loved her and for that I'll forever be grateful. My daughter deserved the best, and that she did have. The memories of them together will forever be embedded in my heart, and will always bring a smile to my face. Bella captured his heart, something she was great at.
Today life is not at all the way I had imagined, but I think it's safe to say, "If I survive this, I can survive anything." In two years I've experienced from the most beautiful to the most painful events in my life. I'm still standing, so that probably means that I'll be okay.


  1. Oh Dear Aurora,
    I cannot believe I am just now reading what has happened. My heart is breaking for you and the unthinkable sorrow you have been enduring. I am so, so sorry - and I know that doesn't make anything remotely better - but I am. I can only imagine what you are going through and my heart echoed those same words "I wish God didn't think I was strong enough to handle this" because none of us want to be strong enough to handle times like this. I felt that way when we thought we were losing Jet - I didn't want to handle it. I just wanted to disappear. And I think of that every time I hear of someone losing a child. It seems unbearable. So my heart breaks for you and the painful process of devastation and healing you are beginning. There is nothing I can say or do to make it better - but I am greatly inspired by your courage to be the mother you were to Bella and touched by the words you have written to keep her memory alive. So soon after tragedy - it is remarkable that you have been able to write and share what has been going on - but I know that you will be grateful you did. I am praying for you. For healing and strength in ways you didn't even ask for. I'm praying for peace when you can't take the pain and comfort when you fall apart. Please keep writing - I think it will help you and you never know who could be experiencing this same thing and will find your story and find comfort and encouragement from you and Bella's memory. Again, I am so sorry. Sending you love and prayers from our family.
    ~ Joanna

  2. Aurora,

    "I can only imagine what you are going through and my heart echoed those same words "I wish God didn't think I was strong enough to handle this" because none of us want to be strong enough to handle times like this."

    Joanna summarized it best. Hold these memories close to you heart. Continue to be a beautiful person for your little angel. She may not be close enough to hold, but she will always be with you.

    Much love

  3. Aurora,
    You are amazing and Isabella is even more amazing. I don't cry easily as I have also been through alot in my years but I am so touched by your words and love for your daughter. I have a son that is 2 months now. Kai has Spina Bifida and my love for him is overwhelming. I can only imagine the hole in your heart that I know only time can help with. There will always be that hole but as time goes on the jagged edges will get smoothed over and not be SO painful. We lost triplet boys in 2007 while still pregnant and I always thought it would have been so much harder if we got to know them...and love them even more. Your strength is amazing. Your angel lives on in your heart and in heaven. I will be a better mother because of your story. I will love more, be more grateful and appreciate every moment in honor of your sweet Bella. We send our love to you!


  4. Aurora,

    I have never felt so compelled to write to someone as I do you. I can't imagine your pain. I am sorry you feel so alone right now, but please know that you ARE NOT alone. Myself and others who read your story are hurting for you. I wish I could hug away your pain and sorrow. I am so sorry that your partner has left you at such a significant time. Remember that lovers can come and go, but that sweet angel will be in your heart forever. I hope that you have family and loved ones near who can help you, but if you don't, please feel free to contact me via email if you ever need someone to talk to.
    I pray that you have a strong faith in God to help comfort you. Sweet Bella was and still is a child of God, and she is safe now.


  5. Aurora, I am so truly sorry for your loss, there just aren't words. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been through this past month and will continue to feel. My heart aches for you. Your little Bella was so beautiful. What a blessing to have been her mother! You will both be in my heart and prayers.

  6. We are crying tears of sorrow for your hurt from miles away. May you feel the love of strangers that feel for your terrible loss. You have gone though so much at your young age. May you find some comfort this holiday.

  7. Aurora,
    There are no words to express how sorry we are for your loss. Sweet baby Bella was so beautiful and the words you write about her are beautiful as well. It is so apparent how much love you have for her. I pray that God gives you comfort and peace now when you need it most.

  8. Aurora,

    My heart is truly breaking right now. I was catching up on everyone's blogs, and was stunned to hear about your precious Bella. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have no words to take away the pain...but I will be here, like all the other mamas reaching out tonight, standing with you in prayer and support during this unbearable time. I am praying for your continued strength to face each new day, and for a peace that passes all understanding. I pray you find comfort and love in those around you, and in the precious memories and moments with your little angel. Sending you loving thoughts and prayers tonight...

  9. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

  10. Aurora,
    I just read your and Bella's story. My heart is breaking for you, I wish something that I say could make it better. but just know that I am thinking and praying for you. That you have the stregth to continue when it seems that you have too much weight on your shoulders.
    You are not alone, you are never alone, but have many many people who think about you during this horrible time.

    Please don't second guess any of the decisions that you made. You did the the best that you could and made decisions that no mother should ever have to make. But you made the right decisions for your Bella.

  11. Hi Aurora,
    You don't know me, but I found your blog from the spina bifida group on I just gave birth to my son on Dec. 16 and he has spina bifida. He was 6 weeks early and is currently in the NICU. I know every day I worry about him and what I would do if I lost him. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I think, as a mom of a child with special needs, you just love your child that much more. I want you to know that I am thinking about you. Try your best to take comfort in the fact that Bella is now in a better place and will never feel any more pain. She came into this world and touched your life like no one else could. Don't second guess your decisions. You, as her mother, knew what was best for her. Try your best to stay strong.

  12. you know, I think God routinely gives us more than we can handle... so that we have to rely on Him for all our strength--our every need. Then He comes through... so you don't have to do it on your own.

    I am heartbroken for you after reading your story. Thank you for sharing your sweet little girl. I pray that God will sustain you in the days ahead and surround you with a peace and comfort that can only come from Him.

    Jen Potter
    mom to Owen, 3 years old, spina bifida

  13. Aurora,

    I read your story. Bella was truly an angel. You are a very strong woman and you are in our thoughts.


  14. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I was directed to your blog, and I can't stop the tears from falling as I read about you and everything you have had to go through. Please know that there are those who you don't know who are thinking of you and praying for you.

  15. I've sat here along time trying to come up with something meaningful to say, but the tears just keep coming. I am so sorry about your little Angel I dont think there is anything I can say but your in my thoughts and prayers. I trully belive a brighter day will shine on you soon.

  16. There are no words for how sorry I am for your loss. My heart aches for you, and I am amazed at your strength. Special prayers to you and your family tonight, added to those of all the other moms here, that you find peace for your broken heart.

  17. I am so sorry for the loss of your little princess. I pray and hope that you will find moments of peace, love and joy as you go through the sorrow of losing such a beautiful child.

  18. Aurora, my heart is going out to you right now. I know you don't know me but I found your blog from a fellow spina bifida mom and I hope you don't mind me leaving a comment. Your story has touched me and I am amazed by your strength. You will be in my prayers!

  19. Hi Aurora,

    I, too, do not know you, but read about your loss on the spina bifida mom's board at I admire your wisdom, strength, and love for your angel, Bella. While I can't even begin to imagine your pain and suffering, please know that we spina bifida moms are praying for you and will continue to keep you in our prayers. You are an amazing woman and your courage is unforgettable. God bless you and your angel in heaven.


  20. Thank you, to all of you. Your words mean so much to me. I feel compelled to let the world know about Bella. I want everyone to be blessed with her existance. She changed my life, and I hope that she'll change yours. My beautiful little angel lived with a constant smile on her face. That smile changed my entire outlook on life, just like I'm sure it'll change yours.
    God Bless you to all of you.