Faith: Confidence or trust in a person or thing.
I had never really thought about the meaning of faith. Honestly, I never really had the need to have faith in anything. Life used to be for the most part simple. Yes, there were times that I thought life was horrible and unfair because of a heartbreak or maybe a disappointment; but they were simple things that didn't take long for me to get over. When Bella came into my life, that all changed. Faith was the first thing I learned from her; the first of many things.
The first big ultrasound: I don't think I had ever been as excited as I was that day. I remember that I had counted the days down since they set the appointment date. I was anxious to see the baby and to find out whether I was having a boy or girl. The big appointment is supposed to be exciting. It's supposed to be the day that they tell you that everything looks great. It's supposed to be one of the best days; it wasn't one of my best days.
The day started out bad. My teacher was late for class, so I had to take my math test late. This made me late for my ultrasound. The tech wasn't very happy about this, which caused her to be pretty rude from the beginning. She kept telling me that she had specifically scheduled my appointment at 1030 am, not 1040 am. Blah blah blah. I was nervous, so I tried my best to brush her off. She didn't talk much during the ultrasound, and I couldn't see the screen. When she finally let me see the baby she was very brief and didn't explain much of anything. The ultrasound was taking a really long time, but I thought this was normal. She told me that she was going to get the doctor. At that point I knew something wasn't right. The doctor came in and took a look. The tech pointed at the screen, and she said, "I looked and I can't seem to find it." I remember the doctor frowning at the screen. I'll never forget her face when she turned to look at me. There was a lot of sympathy; that look said it all. Something was wrong. I remember her saying, "Something doesn't look right. There is something wrong with the baby. The head is smaller than we'd like it to be." At that instant my entire world came crashing down. I had taken care of myself. I had taken my prenatal pills. I had eaten right. I had done EVERYTHING. How was it possible that my baby wasn't okay? I asked for my doctor, maybe she could tell me something they couldn't. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I didn't want to know anything more. My doctor explained that there would be a need for another ultrasound, but she told me not to worry myself sick until then.. Sure, easy for her to say.
It had been years since I had stepped foot in church. The occasional baptism maybe, but to actually go to mass or to pray, nope. That day I left the clinic and drove straight to church. I remember sitting in the pews and crying hysterically. I didn't know exactly how to pray, but I asked God to make it better. I asked him to make my baby healthy. I begged him to fix everything. I promised him that I'd become more religious. I swore that I'd attend church as often as possible. I sat there for almost an hour, waiting. What I was waiting for I don't know. I was maybe hoping for an answer? For a sign? But none of that came. Instead, while sitting there, I came to a conclusion..
God wasn't punishing me. I could do this. Yes, things would be difficult, but this was MY baby. I had already fallen completely in love with this baby. We were meant for one another. This baby depended on me to the best mother possible. God never gives you more than you can handle.
It's amazing what faith does for you. I had faith that God would guide me through it all. That he'd be by our side every step of the way. I learned on that very day what it meant to have absolute faith; had I not been faithful, I don't think I could've gone on. I don't think I could've enjoyed my pregnancy the way that I did.
Faith. What a beautiful word. What a simple word. I live by it every single day. Its the reason I can pull myself out of bed everyday. I have faith that Bella is in a better place. I have honest faith that she is in heaven, flying with the angels.
Last night I dreamt about her. I could see her beautiful smile. I could see those pearly white teeth. The happiness in her eyes. It was my first visit from her. I know she was telling me that things would be okay.