Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Every day..

Every single day gets just a little bit harder. The unbearable pain that I was so afraid of has settled in at the pit of my stomach and doesn't seem to have any plans of leaving. There is an emptiness in my heart that I never knew was even there. It's amazing how such a tiny little person made me feel so complete. Every morning when I wake up, I hope to turn around and find her there. When I dream of her, I don't want to ever wake up. It doesn't matter if the dream is bad or good, I just want to be with her.

I dreamt that I was holding her. That she was dressed in the last outfit I put her in. Her body was still. In my dream I knew she was gone, but I wanted to hold on forever. I woke up from that dream, hoping that it was only a nightmare. Hoping that I'd turn around and Bella would be right there, sleeping peacefully. It was then that I realized that I'd never really wake up from that nightmare; for this nightmare is my new reality. It's a struggle to convince myself that each day is worth living. It's exhausting to smile and pretend that everything is going to be okay. It's tiring to hear people say that they are amazed at how well I'm taking things; as if they know exactly what I feel. They have no idea of the battle I fight every day. They have no idea what the agony feels like; the emptiness that I feel every single moment of every single day.

On January 15th, 2010, Bella came home from the NICU. I remember feeling absolute bliss as we packed all her belongings and dressed her in her "going home" outfit. We had practically moved into the NICU by that time, so her dad had to make a few trips to the car with her stuff. I remember the excitement, it was a beautiful feeling. The doctors and nurses all said their good bye's to Bella and wished us a wonderful future toether. She graduated from the NICU that day, she even got her very first diploma.
I remember stepping onto that elevator, Bella in hand, feeling like the luckiest person on earth. We were finally going home, where Bella belonged. My mind was racing with all the things we could do, all the people we needed to see, all the pictures I had to take. The drive home seemed to be taking longer than usual. When we got home, we had a few people there; and as much as I love them, I really just wanted to be alone with Bella. I patiently waited as everyone got to hold her and marvel at her beauty. I remember that when everyone left, I just sat there and admired her. It was me and her, in our own world. I don't know how long I sat there with her, I'm not even sure if I really slept that night, but I do know that I absolutely loved every minute of it. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to that day. To hold her so dearly again, to soak in every single detail of her little face.

Memories. They float around in my head all day, every day. Everywhere I go, there's something there to remind me of Bella. I still have her carseat in my car. I carry the extra pacifier in my purse. I make sure there's always a picture nearby, just in case.. I try not to drive by the hospital, or the park, or the cementery if it's too late to go in. I miss her so much. When I drive by those places, my heart breaks just a little bit more. Sometimes I think, This is it. My heart can't break any more. It's completely shattered.. But, I'm always wrong. It's very much possible for my heart to break a little bit more. The pieces keep breaking into smaller pieces, and the pain hurts that much more each time.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.


  1. Sweet momma. There are no words - I only wish I could be there with you to show you that you're not alone. I am beyond heartbroken for you and I know you must suffer so, so much. I cannot fathom being there myself - nobody can unless they have experienced your pain. I want to do something for you - have you by any chance had Isabella's name written in the sand? There is a woman who does this and photographs it for you and it's beautiful. You can read about it here:
    and I would love to have it done for your sweet baby. Let me know if you have it already. I know the waiting list can take a while - but I think it's a beautiful sentiment. If you are interested I would be honored to take care of it for you.
    Much love,

  2. Aurora, Oh sweet momma. I wish I could be there for you in person. I know we don't know each other, but I feel I know you a little. The poem you put on was SO perfect for what you are probably going through. Where did that come from? I agree with every word. I love to hear about Bella. My email is My daughter lost her daughter to complications from SB. Your right Aurora, you will never be the same. You will have to learn to live with out your Bella and there are days that just doesn't seem possible. No one ever wanted to talk to me about any of this or my daughter. So I know it can be a lonely time. Please feel free to email me anytime. My thoughts are with you tonight. Susan

  3. Aurora,

    I wish I had the words to take away some of your pain...but I don't. I'm left with no words when I even try to put myself in your shoes, because it's a reality that I can't even comprehend. My heart is broken for you. I pray for you often, and I hope those prayers are helping to lift you up on the toughest days, and give you strength to go on. You are not alone. We are here with you, sending out love, prayers, and looking forward to the day when the sun shines on you again. Much love.

  4. Joanna, thank you, I would really appreciate that. I looked at the names written in the sand and they are beautiful!

    I thank all of you.. Your words are so meaningful to me. I really feel your support and I can't thank you guys enough.

  5. Aurora send me your email so I can get the process started for Bella's name in the sand. :) My email is