Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


Elephants live in a society much like ours. They travel in matriarchal packs, mothers and daughters walk side by side for years with their aunts and sisters. They are either right handed or left handed. They find their way home years after they have left. When they are close to dying they make their way to a river bed for nature to take its course.

Elephants bury their dead, and grieve.
Naturalist have seen a mother elephant carry a dead calf for miles, cradled in her trunk, unwilling and unable to let it go.

The day Bella returned to heaven, I held on for hours hoping that at any moment she'd come back. Wishing that it was all just a huge misunderstanding. Waiting for her to take another breath, to let me know that she wasn't really gone.
I understand why the elephant holds on for so long, I know the reasoning behind it.

These past few days, all I can think of is the fact that this is permanent. She's gone. I can't remember how many teeth she had. I've tried over and over to count them in my head, but I just can't see them anymore. I can't remember how long her hair was. I don't recall if she'd actually laugh when I'd sing the itsy bitsy spider to her, or if I'm making that up in my head. The memories are fuzzy, and I'm terrified of losing them.

I don't know the reasoning behind all of this. I can't come to terms with the fact that she is gone. But one thing I do know is that Bella is always with me, in everything that I do. I took a trip to Hawaii, and everything reminded me of her.
The beauty of the sunset.
The feeling of reaching the top of Diamond Head Crater.
The reassurance of a butterfly dancing around us.
She is everywhere. She is my beautiful blessing.

The beauty of the sunset.
It reminded me of you.
I know you're always near.
I can feel it.

I miss you, every moment of every single day.
We made it to the top of Diamond Head Crater.


Monday, July 11, 2011

If you were to run into me today, and you didn't know anything about me, you'd probably think that I was a normal 22 year old. You'd see my smile, and you'd be fooled into thinking that life is good. You'd hear me laugh and you'd think that my life is carefree and fun. I could probably win a grammy at this point for my newfound acting skills. There are times when I am actually enjoying myself. There are times when I don't have to pretend. However, those times are very sparse and spread out.
This is a work in progress, and I hope that someday I might not have to pretend anymore.

Ever since Bella passed away, I'm not sure if I pushed people away unconciously, or if they simply went away on their own. I don't think I really had time to notice, so I'm assuming it was probably me. To be honest, I'm not completely bummed out about people having walked out of my life, it's just amazing how many of them go. On December 7th, 2010, I learned what it was to lose the most important person in my life, so anyone I've lost after that can't compare.
I made an effort to "reconnect" with some old friends and it was nice. I managed to pretend the entire time that things were absolutely normal. I put on my smile, I brought out my charm, and I managed to make it through. I had fun. The most fun I've had in a long time actually. But, I did this all without mentioning Bella once, and I hate myself for it. I knew it would make them uncomfortable, and to avoid the awkwardness, I spoke about things that didn't matter. I let them talk to me about how "difficult" their lives were because of their boyfriends, or their lack of boyfriends. I pretended to be interested. I had nothing new to tell them, nothing interesting or worth telling. I told them about my upcoming trip to Hawaii and I acted like I was excited. I think they think I'm the old me again. What they don't realize though, is that the old me is gone.

My worst fear is that someday Bella will be forgotten. I'm afraid that someday she'll simply be a part of the past. I want to take her with me to my future. I don't know how to explain it, but I desparately need to keep her memory alive. When someone mentions her name, I feel relieved to know that she wasn't simply a dream. She really existed. She really happened. She was here. She was mine.

"She was my dream.
 She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat.
 I think about her all the time.
Even now, when I'm sitting here, I think about her."
-Nicholas Sparks ♥