Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Monday, July 11, 2011

If you were to run into me today, and you didn't know anything about me, you'd probably think that I was a normal 22 year old. You'd see my smile, and you'd be fooled into thinking that life is good. You'd hear me laugh and you'd think that my life is carefree and fun. I could probably win a grammy at this point for my newfound acting skills. There are times when I am actually enjoying myself. There are times when I don't have to pretend. However, those times are very sparse and spread out.
This is a work in progress, and I hope that someday I might not have to pretend anymore.

Ever since Bella passed away, I'm not sure if I pushed people away unconciously, or if they simply went away on their own. I don't think I really had time to notice, so I'm assuming it was probably me. To be honest, I'm not completely bummed out about people having walked out of my life, it's just amazing how many of them go. On December 7th, 2010, I learned what it was to lose the most important person in my life, so anyone I've lost after that can't compare.
I made an effort to "reconnect" with some old friends and it was nice. I managed to pretend the entire time that things were absolutely normal. I put on my smile, I brought out my charm, and I managed to make it through. I had fun. The most fun I've had in a long time actually. But, I did this all without mentioning Bella once, and I hate myself for it. I knew it would make them uncomfortable, and to avoid the awkwardness, I spoke about things that didn't matter. I let them talk to me about how "difficult" their lives were because of their boyfriends, or their lack of boyfriends. I pretended to be interested. I had nothing new to tell them, nothing interesting or worth telling. I told them about my upcoming trip to Hawaii and I acted like I was excited. I think they think I'm the old me again. What they don't realize though, is that the old me is gone.

My worst fear is that someday Bella will be forgotten. I'm afraid that someday she'll simply be a part of the past. I want to take her with me to my future. I don't know how to explain it, but I desparately need to keep her memory alive. When someone mentions her name, I feel relieved to know that she wasn't simply a dream. She really existed. She really happened. She was here. She was mine.

"She was my dream.
 She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat.
 I think about her all the time.
Even now, when I'm sitting here, I think about her."
-Nicholas Sparks ♥

1 comment:

  1. BELLA, BELLA, BELLA!!! I love your daughters name. I know she was here. I feel like I knew her through your stories of her.Aurora, you must know you can take her into the future with you. She will ALWAYS be your innocent little cherub. She knew unconditional love, and she KNOWS your heart. Try to focus on her life and not her passing. I don't understand the loss of friends either. I felt that I didn't "burden" anyone with our loss, but they went away anyway. I just heard someone the other day at our reunion say the same thing when her husband died. Everyone went away. The loss of a baby is just so scary for everyone,no one can imagine what that would be like.They don't understand that you WANT to hear her name. They just don't understand and thank God they don't. You don't ever have to be an actress for me. I can take the sadness, and if I can't...I'll cry with you. I'm no longer afraid of the worst that Could happen because it Did happen to my daughter and sweet grandbaby. So, I can face people in the same situation. I know you want to talk about Bella and remember Bella,and secretly probably hoping someone could possibly say the ONE thing that makes it all make sense. I finally quit being mad at
    people, for not being able to do that.
    I'm still a little mad that people have left my life because of our loss, but now I realize I just need better friends!
    Aurora, I know you are still in so much pain. My heart goes out to you sweetie, I will think of you and hope that you can start having more better days than worse days. Just walk, breath, eat you know, keep going. Cyber hug Susan