This is a work in progress, and I hope that someday I might not have to pretend anymore.
Ever since Bella passed away, I'm not sure if I pushed people away unconciously, or if they simply went away on their own. I don't think I really had time to notice, so I'm assuming it was probably me. To be honest, I'm not completely bummed out about people having walked out of my life, it's just amazing how many of them go. On December 7th, 2010, I learned what it was to lose the most important person in my life, so anyone I've lost after that can't compare.
I made an effort to "reconnect" with some old friends and it was nice. I managed to pretend the entire time that things were absolutely normal. I put on my smile, I brought out my charm, and I managed to make it through. I had fun. The most fun I've had in a long time actually. But, I did this all without mentioning Bella once, and I hate myself for it. I knew it would make them uncomfortable, and to avoid the awkwardness, I spoke about things that didn't matter. I let them talk to me about how "difficult" their lives were because of their boyfriends, or their lack of boyfriends. I pretended to be interested. I had nothing new to tell them, nothing interesting or worth telling. I told them about my upcoming trip to Hawaii and I acted like I was excited. I think they think I'm the old me again. What they don't realize though, is that the old me is gone.
My worst fear is that someday Bella will be forgotten. I'm afraid that someday she'll simply be a part of the past. I want to take her with me to my future. I don't know how to explain it, but I desparately need to keep her memory alive. When someone mentions her name, I feel relieved to know that she wasn't simply a dream. She really existed. She really happened. She was here. She was mine.
|"She was my dream.|
She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat.
I think about her all the time.
Even now, when I'm sitting here, I think about her."
-Nicholas Sparks ♥