Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


Elephants live in a society much like ours. They travel in matriarchal packs, mothers and daughters walk side by side for years with their aunts and sisters. They are either right handed or left handed. They find their way home years after they have left. When they are close to dying they make their way to a river bed for nature to take its course.

Elephants bury their dead, and grieve.
Naturalist have seen a mother elephant carry a dead calf for miles, cradled in her trunk, unwilling and unable to let it go.

The day Bella returned to heaven, I held on for hours hoping that at any moment she'd come back. Wishing that it was all just a huge misunderstanding. Waiting for her to take another breath, to let me know that she wasn't really gone.
I understand why the elephant holds on for so long, I know the reasoning behind it.

These past few days, all I can think of is the fact that this is permanent. She's gone. I can't remember how many teeth she had. I've tried over and over to count them in my head, but I just can't see them anymore. I can't remember how long her hair was. I don't recall if she'd actually laugh when I'd sing the itsy bitsy spider to her, or if I'm making that up in my head. The memories are fuzzy, and I'm terrified of losing them.

I don't know the reasoning behind all of this. I can't come to terms with the fact that she is gone. But one thing I do know is that Bella is always with me, in everything that I do. I took a trip to Hawaii, and everything reminded me of her.
The beauty of the sunset.
The feeling of reaching the top of Diamond Head Crater.
The reassurance of a butterfly dancing around us.
She is everywhere. She is my beautiful blessing.

The beauty of the sunset.
It reminded me of you.
I know you're always near.
I can feel it.

I miss you, every moment of every single day.
We made it to the top of Diamond Head Crater.


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