Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Monday, June 24, 2013


Someone asked me the other day how I was doing, and I knew what she was meaning to ask. I was a little taken back because it's been a while since anyone has asked that. I thought for a second before I spoke and I simply answered, "I'm okay, thank you for asking."

To be completely honest, I didn't actually want to be asked. I really wanted to end the conversation there because I've learned over the years that well meaning people can sometimes say the most hurtful things. She then went on to say, "Well, you look like you're doing great. I don't know how you do it, I would simply die if one of my kids were to pass away. There would be no way I'd be able to go on."

I didn't say anything. I just nodded and smiled, until she went on to say, "God knows what he is doing. Good thing he took her as a baby, because I think losing an older child is much, much harder. For example, if I lost one of my kids... I can't even begin to imagine. I wouldn't be able to go on like you have."

I don't understand why people feel the need to justify their feelings out loud. It's as though they need to make themselves feel better. Saying she wouldn't survive is an expression, I understand that. However, I needed for her to understand that it hurts to hear it said.

I still laugh. I still try new things. I still live life. But I assure you that doing those things doesn't mean that I love Bella any less than other mothers love their children. I live life every day for Bella; it may be hard to believe, but it's the only way I can explain it.

Mornings with Bella are what I miss the most. Her breathing would change ever so slightly, and I'd know that she was just waking up. She'd open her eyes and look around until she found my face. I'd say, "Good morning sunshine," and depending on her mood she'd either just look at me for a bit or she'd smile. Those mornings meant the world to me because for a few seconds it was just her and I; no one else. Those mornings taught me how to cherish every single day. Bella taught me what a gift a smile really is. Bella taught me how important it is to take in all those moments of love and hold them close to my heart. What kind of a mother would I be to not share that with others? Bella is in my heart, and by sharing with others and living every singe day I share her.

And so, I thought for a moment before I answered her, "You're wrong. If one of your children were to pass away, you would survive because you love them. You wouldn't want to, but you would. If Bella had been twenty years old instead of one, it would've still hurt. I would still feel this way regardless. You can't imagine what this is like, and I'm glad. However, you're train of thought isn't right. To survive doesn't mean that you don't love them, it means that you do."

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I'd love to be anywhere, with her...

I remember the last time I held her as if it were just yesterday.
The events of that day will forever be engraved in my soul, for all of eternity.

I carried her in my arms down to the hospital basement and to any person passing by, I was just another mother carrying her sleeping child; the nurses had draped a blanket over Bella's body so that no one could see her. I remember walking out of that hospital room and feeling like all eyes were on us. The whole medical team knew that underneath that blanket I carried Bella's lifeless body. They watched us as we made our way to the elevator, and I'll never forget that suffocating feeling of wanting to tell them to just stop looking at us. I wanted to cry and scream and yell at everyone standing there. I was so sad. I was so angry and heartbroken.   

One foot in front of the other. Don't think, just walk. Don't cry, just walk. I really wanted to just take Bella, and run away. I wanted to get as far away from that hospital as possible. I wanted to take Bella with me and go somewhere that didn't require us to be apart. 

The hallways were bare, and blindingly white, and I can't remember how many turns we had to make before we made it down to the morgue. I handed her over, and they carried her in, while I watched the door shut behind them. Bella was wrapped in a fuzzy white blanket with hearts. She wore the outfit that we had used for her end of life pictures. That image is one that I cannot escape from. I see it over and over again in my head. I've imagined every other possible scenario, like the one where Bella doesn't die and I don't ever have to see the basement of that hospital. I've pictured me running out of there with Bella in my arms, and we live happily ever after. I've even gone on to imagine the two of us going anywhere together, even if it meant that I'd die with her. Sometimes, I just can't understand how I've managed to be here without her. I don't understand how that's even possible.

I dream of her sometimes. I used to dream of her smiling, and that brought me a great deal of comfort. The thing is that lately my dreams have drastically shifted. In every dream I'm trying desperately to get to her, and I wake up before I can hold her. The dreams are so vivid that at times I wake up thinking that I need to go to the hospital to see her. Sometimes it takes me a few moments to realize that I've only been dreaming, and it's such a painful feeling to know that my nightmare is simply my reality.

There are people that experience the loss of their children before they even have a chance to take their first breath. So I understand that I was lucky. Lucky in a sense that despite Bella's short stay on Earth, I was granted a privilege that not everyone gets. I held Bella, and stayed up sleepless nights with her. I stared at her for hours at a time, I held her little hands in mine. I stared into those eyes of hers and I memorized every detail of her beautiful face. I'm so very grateful for that. I'm grateful for the one year, one month, and nine days that I was able to enjoy my sweet Bella. I was given the gift of being her mother. I was given the honor of knowing a love so unconditional that it hurts...

Given the opportunity, I'd do it all over again. I'm not going to deny that I'd rather be anywhere with my sweet Bella. I'd give anything to change the part of our story where we had to separate. However, I'm beyond grateful for the time we were given together, no matter how brief.. 

My heart. My Soul. My Bella.