I've been thinking...

Before Bella was born, I was terrified. I was afraid of what our future held. I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to love her. I was scared that we, as a family, wouldn't love her the way that she deserved to be loved; that we just wouldn't know how… I know that sounds awful, but I was afraid that we'd fail. 

The day Bella was born I had never felt more fearless. The moment I laid eyes on her, I can only describe it as an overwhelming sense of peace. I had not felt that calm in months, nor had I known such a reassuring feeling like in that moment. I knew in those first moments that Bella and I were exactly where we were meant to be. She was meant for me, and I was meant for her. It was the first time that I muttered the words, “Everything will be okay,” loud enough to convince myself that it was the truth. From that day forward, that became my daily mantra. I said it when I didn't believe it. I said it over and over again, hoping desperately that saying it out loud would make it the truth. 

When Bella looked into my eyes, I could almost hear her telling me that it would all be okay. It was as though she was the only person who could truly see how terrified I really was. When she looked at me, her eyes revealed that she knew so much more than I. I have never encountered a stronger person than Bella, and I don’t think I ever will. Bella wiped my tears away on more occasions than she should have. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and it was as if she could see straight into my soul.

Bella would have been 5 years old this year. My daughter should be in kindergarten. I should be packing daily lunches and making sure to have her outfits ready the night before. I should be worrying about getting her to school on time and then wonder all day what she could possibly be doing at school. I can't help but think of what life would be like if she were still here...

I miss her all the time. I see little girls named Bella everywhere. I notice things more than I used to like a butterfly soaring leisurely through the air or how the sun peeks out through the clouds in the moments when I need it the most. I think it's Bella's way of showing me that she's always with me. I refuse to believe that she's gone. She lives in my heart, and she'll be there forever.

It's been almost 4 years since Bella passed away. I don't miss her any less and I'm so grateful. The pain is no longer as noticeable as it used to be, but it's become a familiar part of me. I still cry out of nowhere. I still have sudden flashbacks. I still ponder constantly about what life would be like with her here. But I also know that no matter what, I'm eternally grateful that Bella is mine and will always be... I may not have had the time I had with her, but I still get my forever... Love is far too powerful to be defeated by death. I'll love Bella forever and ever, until we meet again.