Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I never want to forget..

I had a dream about her last night. I saw her beautiful face, those eyes, and that contagious smile; the happiness in her little face was undeniable. She's happy.  

Words can't explain how much I miss her. They can't explain the profound emptiness in my heart. Words can't even begin to describe the harshness of my new reality. The heartbreak that I endure every single day that she's not with me. I wish there were words to explain; there aren't any that are the least bit close.

I woke up feeling.. okay, actually. I kept seeing her smile in my mind. I didn't want to let my dream go. I sat there and kept envisioning it. I kept going back to it. I didn't want to lose that smile. I didn't want to forget. I'm scared of forgetting. I'm afraid of one day waking up and forgetting what that beautiful smile looks like. I'm terrified that one day I'll struggle to remember. I wonder if that's even possible; I hope it's not possible. I don't ever want to forget this pain either. As crazy as it sounds, I want to feel this pain forever. I don't want it to go away. I want it to remind me every single day of what I'm missing. I don't want to wake up one day and not have Bella be the first thing I think about. I'm scared of that happening. I'm terrified actually.

My brother used to watch Bella on Satuday's while I'd go to work. He used to say it was his time to catch up with her about their week. He'd sing to her, they'd watch t.v., and "conversate" with one another (he did most of the talking). I remember one day I got home from work, Bella was laying in her boppy watching my brother talk to her. I walked into the room and started calling her name. I remember she turned to look at me and smiled; it made my heart melt. That smile made every day worth living. I remember picking her up and kissing her little cheeks, I felt so lucky to be able to come home to that. I thanked God for my perfect little blessing.

I never took those moments for granted. I appreciated every smile, every giggle, every flirtacious look Bella gave me. It's not fair. There are mothers that don't even give their children the time of day. I was willing to give up everything for Bella. Everything. I just don't understand. They say there's a reason for it all, but honestly, that doesn't make anything remotely better. It makes me angry; it shouldn't, but it does. I kept thinking to myself that I can't be angry, but I realized, I have every right to be. I love her. I loved being a mom. I loved being pregnant. I loved every single thing about Bella. I loved our wonderful, sometimes hectic life together. It was perfect, and I'd give anything to have it back. Anything.

What is part of us,
for however long,
is us.
And will forever be.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I had looked forward to this Valentine's Day because Bella would be older, more active, and playful. I had envisioned us together making Valentine's Day cards. Of course, she wouldn't be cutting or pasting anything, but I had planned on having her "write" in them. I would've taken her to take studio pictures dressed in the cutest dress with hearts on it. Yes, one year ago, I had all of this planned out.
Instead, I found myself sitting on a chair, in a cold mausoleum, arranging her flowers. Over and over I fixed the flowers, the bear, the picture. I'd take it apart, and put it back together again. I became angry that they didn't look right. I should've bought more flowers. I should've brought tape with me. I finally gave up.
I still remember the exact outfit that she wore last year. A white shirt with hearts on it, pink pants with a big heart on the left pant leg, and a pink little hat. The day was nice so we had decided to take her outside to enjoy the sun for a little while. She hated the sun; she was a total diva, so back inside we went. I had never felt more complete. I had never known that such an unconditional love could exist.

Bella with my little brother.
Valentine's Day 2010

What a perfect little person.
How I wish I'd be able to spend just one more day, or minute, even a second with my sweet Bella. I'd hold her tight and I'd never let go. Ever.

Valentine's Day. Never thought it'd be so significant. It became significant. Yesterday, it became unbearable. I so badly wanted to hide under the covers and not come out. The love of my life is in heaven, and I can only dream of the day when I'll hold her in my arms again. Someday.

Happy Valentine's Day. Cherish every precious moment with those you love the most.
It's such a beautiful thing.
It's such an amazing feeling.
It's all I can feel when I think of Bella; of how absolutely in LOVE I am with her.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I hope she knows..

I cried uncontrollably one night. It was during our last stay in the hospital; three days before they broke the news to us that Bella wasn't getting any better. We didn't have to share a room that night, it was just the two of us. The room was dark and I could hear the nurses just outside the door laughing amongst themselves about who knows what. Bella was sleeping so peacefully, I watched her as she took each breath in and then let it out. It was such a beautiful sight.
I had this overwhelming need to cry, it almost felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember sitting next to the crib and just sobbing uncontrollably. I ran my fingers through her hair, I told her that I loved her, I told her that I was sorry that life was so hard. I can't explain the desparation that I felt that night, to remind her that I loved her dearly, to remind her that she was my everything. I cried so hard that I woke her, she opened her eyes slowly and stared at me. She looked at me with so much curiosity, almost as if she were asking me why I was crying. She reached for my face, she touched my tears; there was no need to say anything more. She understood, I know she did.
That night was one of the very few times that I had broken down in front of Bella. I had made a conscious effort to be strong for her. I didn't want her to know that I was terrified, I wanted her to know that she could depend on me. Little did I know that Bella was the one being strong for me. She was the one that kept me going, she was my little rock.

That night replays in my mind constantly. That pain I felt. The curious look Bella gave me. The sound of her breathing. The darkness.

I told her I loved her. I told her that she completed me. I told her I couldn't live without her. I looked into thos big brown eyes and repeated over and over that I needed her to be strong. I begged her. I was selfish that night. I should've told her how proud of her I was. I should've thanked her for being so wonderful. I should've told her not to worry, that I'd be strong for her.

I hope Bella knows how proud of her I was and always will be. I hope she knows that she was the most beautiful gift I could've ever received.

I look forward to the day when I will see this smile again.

There isn't a moment that you're not on my mind Lovebug.
Words can't explain.
Just know that I love you & miss you more than anyone can imagine.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thank You..

"Oh, your young. Someday you'll have more children. You'll be fine."

Really? That's comforting. So basically, your saying that if I had other children, besides Isabella, that I'd be fine because I'd have others to replace her? Or that when I have other children this hole in my heart will be gone because, well, I'll have other children. Bella was a person; a beautiful, amazing, and strong person. Tell me exactly how me being young and eventually having children will somehow make me feel better? I know these people don't mean it that way, but it's just getting harder and harder to be understanding. Sometimes I wish they just wouldn't say anything at all.

Patience. Take a deep breathe. Forgive them for not knowing any better. Walk away.
I'm taking this approach for Bella. For me. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to become bitter.

I'm reading books. Any book that has to do with grieving the loss of a child. I desperately need to know how to do this. How to get through it. Anything. Can you believe it? I'm looking for instructions. How pathetic is that? I want someone to tell me that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember when Bella was diagnosed with Spina Bifida. I remember the confusion, the anger, the frustration of not knowing what in the world this was or how I gave it to her. I went home that day and googled it. Spina Bifida. Not the best of ideas. I found some of the scariest things you could possibly imagine. I searched all sorts of websites, and then I came across, the website that made my pregnancy a little bit easier. I found hope.
There were other moms that were going through similiar things: the pregnancy, the ultrasounds, the diagnosis, and the fear. There were parents that had already had their children and they wrote about them with so much love and admiration. They inspired me. I was no longer alone, WE were no longer alone.
I worried myself sick the day they diagnosed Bella, I couldn't hold anything down and I cried so hard that it felt like my head was going to explode. I remember that I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I thought it didn't matter if I ate or if I'd drank enough fluids. I was just about ready to give up, and then I felt Bella move. I'm pretty sure she elbowed me. I remember snapping back into reality at that moment. There was hope in my belly. Hope of a better tomorrow because of this little life inside of me.
I deal with things by knowing. I always wanted to know what the worst case scenario was first. I always wanted to know everything. I guess this is the approach I'm taking for my grief. Unfortunately there is no instruction manuel, it's simply about learning to live without Bella's physical body. Instead, I've got to embrace her spirit. That beautiful little spirit I was blessed with.

There are many lessons to be learned from Bella. She taught me a great deal in her short time here on Earth. As her mother, it is my responsibilty to grow from that. To live life for Bella. To make a difference in peoples' lives, the way that she made a difference in ours. Occasionally, I still feel a little nudge from Bella; to be nice, to care, and to make a difference.

There are times now that I find myself feeling alone, but I know that I'm no where near alone. Bella is always with me. I can feel it. I have an exceptional set of people that loved Bella and want to keep her memory alive in the same way that I do. And I have you guys. My virtual friends, who have become my shoulder to cry on. I thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.