Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I had looked forward to this Valentine's Day because Bella would be older, more active, and playful. I had envisioned us together making Valentine's Day cards. Of course, she wouldn't be cutting or pasting anything, but I had planned on having her "write" in them. I would've taken her to take studio pictures dressed in the cutest dress with hearts on it. Yes, one year ago, I had all of this planned out.
Instead, I found myself sitting on a chair, in a cold mausoleum, arranging her flowers. Over and over I fixed the flowers, the bear, the picture. I'd take it apart, and put it back together again. I became angry that they didn't look right. I should've bought more flowers. I should've brought tape with me. I finally gave up.
I still remember the exact outfit that she wore last year. A white shirt with hearts on it, pink pants with a big heart on the left pant leg, and a pink little hat. The day was nice so we had decided to take her outside to enjoy the sun for a little while. She hated the sun; she was a total diva, so back inside we went. I had never felt more complete. I had never known that such an unconditional love could exist.

Bella with my little brother.
Valentine's Day 2010

What a perfect little person.
How I wish I'd be able to spend just one more day, or minute, even a second with my sweet Bella. I'd hold her tight and I'd never let go. Ever.

Valentine's Day. Never thought it'd be so significant. It became significant. Yesterday, it became unbearable. I so badly wanted to hide under the covers and not come out. The love of my life is in heaven, and I can only dream of the day when I'll hold her in my arms again. Someday.

Happy Valentine's Day. Cherish every precious moment with those you love the most.
It's such a beautiful thing.
It's such an amazing feeling.
It's all I can feel when I think of Bella; of how absolutely in LOVE I am with her.


  1. It's so hard when you've envisioned something a certain way and it doesn't happen. I know this won't be the last of holidays or events that you miss your sweet Bella and think about what you had planned for her. But even though it hurts to be without her - never forget she had a life full of love! I have no doubt she knew how much you loved her. And though her time here was all too short - it was so full of love - more than some children ever have. And one peaceful thought is that she is not in pain or suffering like you are now - take comfort that she is healed and blissful and protected. And she is more loved now than she has ever been. :) Sending you hugs and sweet thoughts a love that never ends.

  2. From what you've written, there's no doubt that Bella lived every second wrapped up in your love. Never forget that.

  3. I think u are an amazin person, mother. Bella is an angel & always will be <3 x)

  4. Your words are so loving. May you feel that same love pouring down on you from Heaven. You are strong and have the right to be happy. I hope you can find a little part of each day that makes you smile.