Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you.. Until we meet again.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I hope she knows..

I cried uncontrollably one night. It was during our last stay in the hospital; three days before they broke the news to us that Bella wasn't getting any better. We didn't have to share a room that night, it was just the two of us. The room was dark and I could hear the nurses just outside the door laughing amongst themselves about who knows what. Bella was sleeping so peacefully, I watched her as she took each breath in and then let it out. It was such a beautiful sight.
I had this overwhelming need to cry, it almost felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember sitting next to the crib and just sobbing uncontrollably. I ran my fingers through her hair, I told her that I loved her, I told her that I was sorry that life was so hard. I can't explain the desparation that I felt that night, to remind her that I loved her dearly, to remind her that she was my everything. I cried so hard that I woke her, she opened her eyes slowly and stared at me. She looked at me with so much curiosity, almost as if she were asking me why I was crying. She reached for my face, she touched my tears; there was no need to say anything more. She understood, I know she did.
That night was one of the very few times that I had broken down in front of Bella. I had made a conscious effort to be strong for her. I didn't want her to know that I was terrified, I wanted her to know that she could depend on me. Little did I know that Bella was the one being strong for me. She was the one that kept me going, she was my little rock.

That night replays in my mind constantly. That pain I felt. The curious look Bella gave me. The sound of her breathing. The darkness.

I told her I loved her. I told her that she completed me. I told her I couldn't live without her. I looked into thos big brown eyes and repeated over and over that I needed her to be strong. I begged her. I was selfish that night. I should've told her how proud of her I was. I should've thanked her for being so wonderful. I should've told her not to worry, that I'd be strong for her.

I hope Bella knows how proud of her I was and always will be. I hope she knows that she was the most beautiful gift I could've ever received.

I look forward to the day when I will see this smile again.

There isn't a moment that you're not on my mind Lovebug.
Words can't explain.
Just know that I love you & miss you more than anyone can imagine.

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful smile. :) I know you will see it again one day - and I believe that others will see it in the smile you give them. Though it's so, so hard - and at times impossible to do so - don't give up on smiling and continuing to share the love you have for your Bella with others. You never know who you will meet or how you will impact them for the better. And that will be the greatest tribute to Bell's memory you can give.