Someone asked me the other day how I was doing, and I knew what she was meaning to ask. I was a little taken back because it's been a while since anyone has asked that. I thought for a second before I spoke and I simply answered, "I'm okay, thank you for asking."
To be completely honest, I didn't actually want to be asked. I really wanted to end the conversation there because I've learned over the years that well meaning people can sometimes say the most hurtful things. She then went on to say, "Well, you look like you're doing great. I don't know how you do it, I would simply die if one of my kids were to pass away. There would be no way I'd be able to go on."
I didn't say anything. I just nodded and smiled, until she went on to say, "God knows what he is doing. Good thing he took her as a baby, because I think losing an older child is much, much harder. For example, if I lost one of my kids... I can't even begin to imagine. I wouldn't be able to go on like you have."
I don't understand why people feel the need to justify their feelings out loud. It's as though they need to make themselves feel better. Saying she wouldn't survive is an expression, I understand that. However, I needed for her to understand that it hurts to hear it said.
I still laugh. I still try new things. I still live life. But I assure you that doing those things doesn't mean that I love Bella any less than other mothers love their children. I live life every day for Bella; it may be hard to believe, but it's the only way I can explain it.
Mornings with Bella are what I miss the most. Her breathing would change ever so slightly, and I'd know that she was just waking up. She'd open her eyes and look around until she found my face. I'd say, "Good morning sunshine," and depending on her mood she'd either just look at me for a bit or she'd smile. Those mornings meant the world to me because for a few seconds it was just her and I; no one else. Those mornings taught me how to cherish every single day. Bella taught me what a gift a smile really is. Bella taught me how important it is to take in all those moments of love and hold them close to my heart. What kind of a mother would I be to not share that with others? Bella is in my heart, and by sharing with others and living every singe day I share her.
And so, I thought for a moment before I answered her, "You're wrong. If one of your children were to pass away, you would survive because you love them. You wouldn't want to, but you would. If Bella had been twenty years old instead of one, it would've still hurt. I would still feel this way regardless. You can't imagine what this is like, and I'm glad. However, you're train of thought isn't right. To survive doesn't mean that you don't love them, it means that you do."