They like certain cartoon characters.
They know what their favorite foods are.
Two year olds can do those things.
My two year old cannot and I wish with all my heart that she could.
Lately, I find myself going back to that place that I’ve been avoiding for so long. That place where I wish that this wouldn’t have happened to us; where I replay things over and over in my head trying to see if I could’ve done anything differently. I find myself completely consumed by the memories; before her, after her, but mostly when she was actually here.
I was so angry with God for a while; beyond angry. Every day that I woke up to find her gone, I hated Him with such a passion. I believed that if He was such a wonderful being He could’ve just made her better. He could’ve given her a chance at life. He could’ve given us a chance, but he didn’t. We’re still in a love-hate relationship, and I don’t think I’m ready to apologize for that. I know that God could’ve chosen not to give her to me at all, but He did; and for that I am eternally grateful. He could’ve chosen not to give me the opportunity to know the feeling of a child growing inside my womb, but He did; and I will never forget that. God is good. That’s hard to admit sometimes, especially after having lost such a wonderful little human being; extremely hard.
I’ve been told on more than one occasion to give Bella back to God with the same love that He gave her to me. On the day of her funeral, I don’t remember much of what the priest said, but I do remember that. He said to give her to Him, the way he had given her to me. I would’ve never given her up willingly. It’s selfish, I know. I just wouldn’t have. I would’ve fought tooth and nail, if it didn’t mean that she would suffer. I would’ve pushed and pushed until they found a solution. I didn’t. I gave up, and I gave her back against my will. I did it for her; not for God.
Bella’s great aunt had a dream about Bella. She said that Bella talked to her in her dream. Bella told her that she was fine, and that we shouldn’t worry. She says that Bella told her that she was an Angel and that she didn’t belong on Earth. She said God sent her on a mission, and once it was completed, she needed to return to Him. Her mission was something about leading her mom and dad in a better direction because we were heading down the wrong path.
Before Bella, I wasn’t entirely a lost soul, but I didn’t have direction. I was going to turn 21. I had started to explore the partying world. I was never home. I was always with my “friends.” Had it not been for Bella, I wonder where I would be today. I wonder if I was heading down a path of self-destruction without even realizing it. I thank God for Bella. She taught me things that I would have never learned otherwise. Her bravery, her strength, her determination; she inspired me. She made me the person I am today. I’m a better version of myself because of Bella. I can’t explain it any other way. Bella came to complete me, and someday, our love will reunite us. I’m sure of it.
There are so many things that could’ve been; but they weren’t. There are many things that could’ve not happened; but they did. Bella happened; and there isn’t a day that I’m not grateful for that. I miss her every moment of every single day. I love her more than words will ever be able to express.