School has started again. Once again, I'm rushing here and there and everywhere. I find myself pressed for time every single day. Sometimes I wonder how I did it with you here. Maybe that's the part of being a mom that no one really tells you about. The part where no matter what kind of day you have or how many things you have to do, you can always find time for your child. I remember that when we were together, time didn't exist. It was simply you and I. It was perfection. I've found comfort in these past months to be able to go sit at your spot, just to be with you; to know that only a wall separates us. It's exactly where I should be. With you.
I was waiting for school to start because I needed my mind to be busy. I needed to be able to think of anything else. Of anything that didn't remind me of how much I miss you. The truth is, it's impossible. I miss you. I find my mind wandering back to all of it. From the start to the end. It just keeps replaying over and over. I haven't been able to go visit you every day, and it's made things that much harder. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up forever. I knew that someday I'd have to stop going daily, but I almost feel like it's the least I could do. If you were still here nothing in the world would keep me from you.
The holidays were hard. Harder than I could've ever imagined. Your absence was just so prominent. It was as if everything was there to remind me of what I was missing. Every little girl I came across seemed to be 13 months. All their moms were glowing. And I, well, I was dying a little more inside each time. Remember our neighbors from the hospital? I found myself looking at her mom's facebook all the time, and I felt jealous. Yes, Bella, jealous. I feel guilty even admitting that. I'm happy for them. They seem to be doing so well. She's growing, and she looks so much stronger. I just often find myself wondering how things would've been for us. There is no comparison, I know. It's just that sometimes my mind gets the best of me, and it just doesn't know how to understand. My heart gets in on the action too, and it simply doesn't know how to stop loving you so much that it hurts. Her mom is young like me. Her daughter was sick, sicker than you. And they get to be together. I guess what I'd really like to know is, why not us? It's a dumb thing to even feel this way, but sometimes, I just can't help it. I miss you, and there is no reason in the world that will make that go away.
I took your bassinet out. That was hard. You never even slept in it because I always needed to have you next to me. Maybe a few times you'd start out there, and then I'd bring you right back to my bed. I needed to hear your steady breathing. I needed to know that it was still you and I. I wish that I could just bring you home and have you be the first thing I see in the morning.
I dream of you sometimes, and there hasn't been a time when you didn't look happy. I hold on to that. I am convinced that wherever you are, you are no longer suffering. It's the only thing that keeps me going. It's the only thing that will allow me to get up out of bed each morning. I love you Bella. I love you more than you could possibly imgaine.