Happy Easter

It's strange how some holidays are harder than others. I don't know what makes them different, but some just are. Easter was hard for me last year, and even harder this year. We spent one Easter together. It was raining really hard. Bella was wearing the cutest Easter outfit, completely inappropriate for the weather, but it didn't matter because she'd be inside the whole time anyway. She spent the beginning of the day with her dad and his family and the rest of the day with me and my family. I know exactly what the contents of her Easter baskets were that year. I remember being sad that I had to "share" her that day, and then feeling guilty because I knew how important it was to let her dad and family spend time with her. I'm not exactly sure what it is about Easter that gets me, but it just does.

Easter Day 2012
Bella always has so many gifts
She continues to be spoiled, even now.

And because there isn't room for EVERYTHING inside
her bench has to be decorated too.

I'm sure that in heaven Easter is far better than here.
I know that you're smiling down on us,
my heart won't let me believe otherwise.

I've been dreaming about her a lot lately. Somtimes she's still a baby and sometimes she's older. Sometimes I'm with her and other times I am desperately looking for her. One dream in particular, I was looking for her, wondering why we hadn't been to physical therapy in so long. I kept saying that I was a bad mom because I hadn't been taking her. In my dream I kept asking where I could find Bella so that I could take her to her appointments. I could see someone holding her at a distance, and then I realized that we hadn't been going to physical therapy because Bella wasn't here anymore. It all came back, all of the emotions and the questions. I could hear myself crying, but I just couldn't wake up. I was short of breath and I was terrified. When I did wake up, I felt so unsettled. My heart was pounding, my mind was racing, and I just couldn't shake the feelings.

I don't cry a lot, and I wish that I could. I wish that I could put aside how other people might feel if I really told them how I feel. If I could only stop saying, "I'm doing okay." when really, I'm far from doing okay. I wish that I could just answer honestly, and not feel bad about it. The truth is, I've put everyone else's feelings before my own, and I'm not exactly sure who I've been trying to protect; them or me. I don't trust myself not to fall apart if I don't hear myself say that I'm doing okay. If I would even begin to say out loud the way that my heart truly feels, I don't think I myself could handle it, let alone someone else. I'm completely broken. I'm exhausted. I'm feeling defeated and weak. I'm disappointed in myself, in life, in God. I'm still fairly angry with Him, and then grateful at the same time. I miss her immensely, and every single day feels longer than the last.

I must tell you though, that I know that Bella is always with me. I just know it. I can feel it. And on some of the most unbearable days, I try to remember how brave she always was. It'swhat I use as my motivation to make it through each day. Bella was brave, much braver than I could ever be. She smiled despite everything that was happening, and as her mother I owe it to her try and do the same. She is my hero, and will always be.

Someone gave me this orchid to remember Bella by.
The card read:
"White orchids are elegant and modest..
Their pure color symbolizes innocence, humility, and grace..
A reminder of your daughter."
That was in January, and it's still going strong.
I don't believe that's a coincidence.