Sometimes in the moment before I fully awaken, I forget that any of this happened to me. But then I take in the pink walls and purple curtains, Bella's clothes on the hangers, and the pictures on the wall, and I realize that it did happen; she really is gone. The reason that I haven't changed anything is because I'm afraid that those few seconds that it takes for me to actually remember might start to last longer. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and find that she isn't the first person to cross my mind. I'm afraid that it won't hurt so much, and honestly, I need it to hurt. I need to know that I didn't just imagine being the mother to such a beautiful little girl. Sometimes, it feels nearly impossible that this all happened. I feel as though so much time has passed, but then I feel like so much happened in so little time. How is that time became my worst enemy? When I was pregnant with Bella, I wanted nothing more than for the days to become as long as possible. The longer she stayed inside, the longer I could protect her. When she was in the NICU I wanted time to fly so that we'd be home sooner. When I had her home I wished time would stand still so that I could soak in every single detail about her. When we tried to wean her off the oxygen I wanted time to hurry up so that we'd be oxygen tank free. When the Doctors said there was nothing they could do, I wished for the days to last longer than ever because I wanted her to stay. And now? Well, now, I wish that time would just hurry up and be done with. I wish that I could just fast forward to the day when I could see her again. Has time always been this way? It probably has. The only difference was that I had never loved someone as much as I love Bella to really take notice. Time became my enemy somewhere along these past few years.
I think it's that point in time now where people expect that time has healed the wound created by losing Bella. And I find that now, I want to talk about her more than ever. It's almost as if I need reassurance that she was really here. If someone speaks of her, then it must mean that she was really here. It means that I'm not crazy. That I really did mother such a beautiful little girl. It means that Bella did leave an imprint on this world. It means that Bella still exists because her memory is still here.
I miss her. I miss her and I'm scared of really losing her. I'm scared that someday these memories that I'm trying to hold onto so badly will be gone. I'm terrified actually.
|I'll never stop loving you.|