Your birthday is only 10 days away.
There are some days when I have to work really, really hard to pretend that everything is okay. They aren't often, and it isn't always, but they are still there. Sometimes I wake up and find that I've been crying, and I know it's because you were in my dreams. There are days when I replay all of the events in your life over and over in my head, almost obsessively, to the point where I am once again filled with all the anger, sadness, and guilt. There are moments when I dare to imagine what life would've been like if you were still here; only to be reminded that I didn't, nor will I ever, have the luxury of seeing you grow up.
I often wonder, who would you have looked like? What kind of personality would you have had? What kinds of things would you have liked? But I always come up short handed because those are things I'll never know.
I've gone through all your pictures. I watched all the videos of you. I've read and reread all the medical reports, scrutinizing all the words, trying to find a clue. I wonder how in all that time, I didn't realize that we didn't have forever. How is it that I missed the fact that you weren't here to stay? I made sure to always ask about the worst case scenario first because then I'd be grateful for anything that wasn't that. I had never been so willing to move mountains for anyone, but when it came to you, I knew that I'd be willing to do anything. I had planned the rest of my life with you in it. I just don't understand.
I had gotten to a point where I didn't have to try to be strong. I didn't feel the urge to cry all the time. I felt that I had somehow managed to escape that ugly monster called grief. What a ridiculous thought. Grief has become such a part of me, that I didn't even notice it lingering next to me, waiting for the perfect moment to make its appearance. October has proved to be a tough month. Just knowing that your birthday is near, and that you're not here, is too much.
Bella everything reminds me of you. I was at the store and a mother kept saying "Isabella" over and over, looking for her little girl. It was like music to my ears. I find myself saying your name out loud just to hear the sound of it. I've watched your videos searching for the sweet sound of your voice. I have a video where your diva personality is so obvious. The way you'd stare at me intently until you were done listening, then you'd shrug your shoulders and let out a little sigh, and you'd turn away, looking for something more interesting. I find myself afraid to be alone again, just like those first few weeks after you passed away. I try to keep busy, I try not to think about it all, but it's just too hard.
I miss you, every moment of every single day. I love you more than I could ever have imagined possible. You are, and will forever be, my pride and joy.
Your birthday is bittersweet, that's the only way I can describe it. October 28th, 2009, will forever be the best, most amazing day of my life because of you. I wish that you were here. I wish that I'd be planning a birthday party, instead of trying to figure out ways to honor your memory. I wish that I could be ordering balloons so that you could play with them, instead of ordering them to be released in honor of you. I wish that instead of ordering butterflies, I'd be ordering your birthday cake so that I could watch your eyes light up with joy. I can wish all I want, but it doesn't change anything.
We will celebrate your life and the beauty that you brought to ours by simply being Bella. We will gather together as a family in honor of you, and we will give thanks to God for allowing us to experience such a beautiful blessing. I thank God everyday that I was given the gift of being your mother. I love you Bella, and there isn't a moment that you are not on my mind.
Mommy misses you more than you'll ever know. That won't ever change.
|Isabella Valerie Dominguez|