So while there are mothers out there that complain about their baby that won't sleep, their baby that gets into everything, or the child that constantly wants to be with them, I long for an opportunity to deal with any of those things. I long for those sleepless nights. I ache to hear that cry, just one more time. I yearn for the feeling I'd get everytime she'd look for me with those big brown eyes.
As each day passes, I realize more and more how much of my identity is gone. I was a mother. Honestly, since the day I found out I was pregnant, that was the new me. When I gave birth to Bella I talked proudly about my wonderful daughter. I'd brag about how strong and brave she was. I wanted everyone to know about her. When she passed away, it was difficult to explain that my wonderful, brave little girl was gone; that I'd no longer have any new wonderful things to tell about her. There are no longer new pictures to show off. There are no more stories to tell of her bravery. There are simply memories. Memories that I can no longer share because the death of a child is something that no one wants to deal with. So, to the outside world I am a student, I am a woman, but I am no longer what I want to be more than anything else, a mother. How I had yearned to hear her call me mom. Now I am me, the me I was before Bella, except now I know that there was something missing all along. I wasn't complete until I met her.
Its been three months and 10 days since Bella returned to Heaven, but to me it feels like its been an eternity. I feel like the days drag on. People are astonished that we are already in March. I, on the other hand, am very well aware that we are in March; it feels like it took years to get here. I don't want to grow old anymore, I don't want to live a long life.
A healthy life, long enough to make a difference in at least one persons life, and then I want to be done. I'd like to get back to being Bella's mom.
|Someday Lovebug, It'll be you & me again.|