As Easter gets closer, I can't help but feel this horrible twinge of sadness and guilt. A few days ago, when I was visiting Bella, I kept thinking about last year's Easter. For some reason that day sits in my mind as though it happened yesterday. It was pouring rain that day, and I dressed Bella without thinking of the weather. I had an outfit picked out specifically for Easter because of the pastel colors and the cute little headband that went with it. The shirt was short sleeved and the bottoms were shorts. Yes, I dressed her in shorts that day, despite the rain; All because I wanted her to look cute. That outfit and that day have both been on my mind lately. I can't believe I dressed her in that outfit, in that weather. I did bundle her in as many blankets as possible before taking her to her dad's house, but still. I should've put something warmer on her.
Lately, I can't help but think of all the things I should've or could've done differently. I can't explain exactly how I feel about those things, but they just seem to be lingering in my mind. I was thinking of the day that I went into labor. I felt the contractions that morning, and I remember that I dealt with the pain. I paced back and forth, I took deep breaths, I tried to ignore it. Four hours of dealing with it before I finally called a nurse. Four hours. What if I would've called right away? What if I would've woken someone up to take me to the hospital? Would they have been able to stop me from going into preterm labor? Would Bella have had a better chance? I had no idea what contractions felt like, but I should've known something wasn't right. I should've known that those pains were not normal. I should've known.
In the end, I should've fought harder. I should've questions things further. I should've exhausted every possiblity.
I fought tooth and nail for Bella from the very beginning. I didn't care if anyone agreed or not, she was mine and I loved her with every ounce of love I had. There were people that didn't agree with the pregnancy because I wasn't married, and then later because Bella would be born with a birth defect; but none of that stopped me from loving Bella with all my heart. I felt this connection with her from the moment I knew of her existance. She was a part of me, and I wasn't willing to give up on her. Which is why, I can't understand how things happened so suddenly; how in the blink of an eye she was gone. I keep trying to make sense of it, even though I know it'll never make sense.
Everything happens for a reason. Does it really? What reason could there possibly be for a baby to die? There just isn't. So no, things don't happen for a reason, they just happen. Do we learn from these horrible experiences? Of course we do. Will we grow from it? Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, we'll grow from it.
And so, I'm trying to grow, for Bella. I've decided to walk in the March of Dimes walk this year in honor of Bella. I hope that the research that they do will prevent others from having to lose a child due to prematurity or birth defects. I hope that they can find ways to prevent these things from happening. I hope that by walking I make a difference in someone's life, just like Bella made a difference in ours. She changed lives every single day of her short life, and she continues to do so today.
These four months have been so empty without her. I miss that smile. I miss those big brown eyes. I miss everything about her. There isn't a moment that she's not on my mind, and that's exactly how I want things to be. I'm not sad all the time; there are days that I can smile and mean it because of the beautiful memories of my sweet Bella. There are days when her presence is undeniable, and it's the only thing that keeps me from going insane without her. I miss her more than words will ever be able to explain.