On Sunday, when I was visiting Bella, I came across a bird that was "trapped" in the mausoleum. The bird had flown in and couldn't find its way out, so it just kept flying straight into a big window. I watched it for a little bit and I considered helping it. My first reaction was to help it actually, and then my bitter side kicked in, and I thought, "It'll be fine. Don't worry about the stupid bird."
Lately, that's how my thought's have been. I've developed a feeling of indifference towards some people, things, and situations. I hate feeling that way, but honestly, I could care less about people complaining that they are having the worst day ever because things just aren't going right. Try having the worst 5 months of your life, then come talk to me. Horrible, I know. It's just hard.
I sat down at Bella's spot to read my book. I looked at her pictures. Then I finally gave in, and got up to help the bird. I'm convinced it was one of Bella's nudges that encourage me to be nice. As I was getting closer, the bird panicked and started trying harder than before to get through the window. When I was really close, I put my sweater over it, and the bird stopped struggling. I gently picked it up and looked at it. It watched me intently, but it didn't move. I was scared that it would bite me, but it just kept looking at me. I thought about taking it back to Bella's spot and keeping it for a little while, but that didn't make sense. So I walked it outside, opened my hands, and watched it fly away. I can't explain why, but I felt better. Maybe because I helped it? Or possibly because it reminded me that sometimes letting go is the best thing you could do.
Over and over, I've played out different scenarios in my mind. I could've held on longer. I could've chosen to keep fighting. I could've done more to keep her here. However, I know in my heart that I let her go because I love her. I let her go because as her mother, I couldn't ask her to be strong for me. I couldn't ask her to fight a battle that she wouldn't win. I'd give anything to have her back. Anything. But in all honesty, I'd feel this pain anyday, as long as she's free of pain. I know she's not suffering anymore. Wherever Bella is, it must be beautiful. Despite the fact that I'm in a love-hate relationship with God, I know that He's taking care of her. I know that He must really love me if He gave Bella to me. To be able to say that I've held an angel in my arms, is an honor.
I saw a therapist a few months after Bella passed away. She was a very nice lady, and she seemed to be surrounded by death. She had all these stories to tell me about her loved ones dying. It was sad, but the way she talked about it, it didn't seem sad. She kept talking about all the lessons that death taught her. It taught her to cherish people. It taught her to love. It taught her things about herself. I liked her, but I stopped seeing her. It's weird. I felt like I had nothing to tell her. I knew that my decision was right. I didn't hate Bella's dad or God, at the time. I missed her, but I could function. I thought I could deal on my own, without her help or anyone else's for that matter. But as time has progressed, my feelings have completely changed. I still feel that I made the right decision for Bella. However, it's harder to function; life without her is empty and just seems to get emptier as each day passes. My heart is filling with hate, and I don't like the feeling. Maybe, I'm just looking for someone to be angry at, someone to blame.
She suggested that I go out, on my own, and allow myself to cry. She suggested this on the very first day that I met her. She told me that the only way to heal was to allow myself to feel the pain. To really truly feel it. To sream at the top of my lungs, to no one in particular. To give myself a chance to feel sorry for myself. To not be strong. And to this day, I can't do it. I unconsciously avoid being alone, or in my room, or being in my car too long. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. School ends this week, and I'm going to take her advice. I need to, or else I'm going to go crazy.
I remember the first time you got the hiccups. It was 5 am, and everything was silent. I could feel you hiccuping in my belly and I was so excited that I didn't move the entire time. I couldn't stop smiling. I remember the first time I laid eyes on you, I had never known a love so intense that it took my breath away. The first time you smiled at me will forever be imbedded in my heart. I'll never forget your first giggle. You giggled because your uncle Jorge tickled your little double chin and name it Chelly. Every memory is a gift, and I will forever be grateful that we were given the opportunity to make memories together. I love you my little lovebug.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Numb.
Incapable of feeling emotion.
I thought that I had experienced numbness the morning that Bella passed away. I cried when her heart stopped beating; I knew she was gone. I knew that was it, I'd never again be able to put my hands on her little chest and feel that beautiful pitter patter of her heartbeat. I held her for a few hours and when the nurses had offered to give her a bath I had refused. I had wanted to do it myself. I walked her down to the morgue, and when I handed her over to be taken in, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. I had carried her in a blanket, and anyone walking by us would've thought I was carrying a sleeping child. No one knew that in my arms I carried my daughter that no longer had a beating heart. My daughter that I had failed to protect. My daughter that I hadn't been able to bring safely into this world. My daughter who I had fallen so deeply in love with that it hurt.
I remember that I went back up to the room, collected all of our things, and left. My brother was waiting for me, he expected me to be a mess, but I wasn't. I wasn't crying anymore. When I arrived at home, my family was a mess, and I remember that I tried to console them by telling them how peaceful Bella had looked when she passed. I honestly believed that I was feeling numbness at the time, that I was incapable of feeling emotion. I was wrong.
It's been 5 months and 12 days since Bella passed away, and numbness has become all too familiar for me. Its a horrible thing, not feeling anything, or not knowing how you feel. Numbness is usually followed by it's lovely little sidekick named guilt. Those two seem to be following me around lately, completely wearing me out. I'm exhausted all the time. It's incredible how missing someone can take so much energy, but it's not surprising. My mind is constantly racing with all the what if's and then the what will never be's. Life hasn't been about the things that could be in the future, more like what happened to bring me to where I am today. All day, my mind just works and works, trying to find an explanation, trying to find a reason behind this. I know there aren't any answers, but my heart doesn't.
Mother's Day came and went; I had dreaded it since the beginning of May. I wanted to just skip the entire month and pretend that it didn't hurt. I did however, take the time to remind my mother that she has always been a wonderful mother. That throughout my life, she has always been my best friend, and that she made a wonderful grandmother to my Bella. I kept a smile on my face, and I reassured her that it was a good day. I hate for my family to see me sad. I think I miss having to be strong, the way I was for Bella. If I fall apart, I feel that they will too, and sometimes, I think it's what has kept me sane; taking care of them. It might also be what's tearing me to pieces. It might also be the reason that the numbness has settled in. I purposely didn't allow myself to feel anything on Mother's Day. I avoided any feeling because I knew I'd fall apart if I felt anything. I felt it was what I needed to do, but I'm positive it's taken its toll on me these past few days. I should've let myself feel the sadness, because it's slowly eating away at my insides.
I feel as though I'm losing control. I feel angry quite often. Little things bother me. I'm impatient with people. It's almost like a really, really bad case of PMS that just won't go away. I cry over everything.
I'm angry that I didn't take more pictures. I've seen them all, and they just aren't enough anymore. I watched her video's and I wonder why I didn't take more. I take her clothes out more often and smell them, only to realize that I'm having a harder time finding the ones that still smell like her. I can't remember how many teeth she had. I keep trying to count them in my mind and I can't remember. I thought of putting her clothes away, like away, in a box. But the thought of her clothes, or anything of hers, being stored has only led me into a fit of uncontrollable tears. It has led me to long, one way arguments with God. I've repeated to Him over and over again that he took the wrong baby. That I love my baby. That we were meant for each other. That I hate him for taking her. That I hate him for making me do this alone. That I hate him for thinking I'm strong enough to do this. And then I find myself thanking him for allowing me to be Bella's mother. For allowing me those 13 months. For giving Bella to the perfect group of people, who love her unconditionally. I must be going crazy. I really truly believe I am.
Ever since the very first time I laid eyes on you, I knew. Your were meant for me and I was meant for you. My love for you is unexplainable. Love is such a beautiful feeling. The pain I feel, I'd like to feel it forever, because it's a reminder of how much I love you. Of how much I'll always love you.
I thought that I had experienced numbness the morning that Bella passed away. I cried when her heart stopped beating; I knew she was gone. I knew that was it, I'd never again be able to put my hands on her little chest and feel that beautiful pitter patter of her heartbeat. I held her for a few hours and when the nurses had offered to give her a bath I had refused. I had wanted to do it myself. I walked her down to the morgue, and when I handed her over to be taken in, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. I had carried her in a blanket, and anyone walking by us would've thought I was carrying a sleeping child. No one knew that in my arms I carried my daughter that no longer had a beating heart. My daughter that I had failed to protect. My daughter that I hadn't been able to bring safely into this world. My daughter who I had fallen so deeply in love with that it hurt.
I remember that I went back up to the room, collected all of our things, and left. My brother was waiting for me, he expected me to be a mess, but I wasn't. I wasn't crying anymore. When I arrived at home, my family was a mess, and I remember that I tried to console them by telling them how peaceful Bella had looked when she passed. I honestly believed that I was feeling numbness at the time, that I was incapable of feeling emotion. I was wrong.
It's been 5 months and 12 days since Bella passed away, and numbness has become all too familiar for me. Its a horrible thing, not feeling anything, or not knowing how you feel. Numbness is usually followed by it's lovely little sidekick named guilt. Those two seem to be following me around lately, completely wearing me out. I'm exhausted all the time. It's incredible how missing someone can take so much energy, but it's not surprising. My mind is constantly racing with all the what if's and then the what will never be's. Life hasn't been about the things that could be in the future, more like what happened to bring me to where I am today. All day, my mind just works and works, trying to find an explanation, trying to find a reason behind this. I know there aren't any answers, but my heart doesn't.
Mother's Day came and went; I had dreaded it since the beginning of May. I wanted to just skip the entire month and pretend that it didn't hurt. I did however, take the time to remind my mother that she has always been a wonderful mother. That throughout my life, she has always been my best friend, and that she made a wonderful grandmother to my Bella. I kept a smile on my face, and I reassured her that it was a good day. I hate for my family to see me sad. I think I miss having to be strong, the way I was for Bella. If I fall apart, I feel that they will too, and sometimes, I think it's what has kept me sane; taking care of them. It might also be what's tearing me to pieces. It might also be the reason that the numbness has settled in. I purposely didn't allow myself to feel anything on Mother's Day. I avoided any feeling because I knew I'd fall apart if I felt anything. I felt it was what I needed to do, but I'm positive it's taken its toll on me these past few days. I should've let myself feel the sadness, because it's slowly eating away at my insides.
I feel as though I'm losing control. I feel angry quite often. Little things bother me. I'm impatient with people. It's almost like a really, really bad case of PMS that just won't go away. I cry over everything.
I'm angry that I didn't take more pictures. I've seen them all, and they just aren't enough anymore. I watched her video's and I wonder why I didn't take more. I take her clothes out more often and smell them, only to realize that I'm having a harder time finding the ones that still smell like her. I can't remember how many teeth she had. I keep trying to count them in my mind and I can't remember. I thought of putting her clothes away, like away, in a box. But the thought of her clothes, or anything of hers, being stored has only led me into a fit of uncontrollable tears. It has led me to long, one way arguments with God. I've repeated to Him over and over again that he took the wrong baby. That I love my baby. That we were meant for each other. That I hate him for taking her. That I hate him for making me do this alone. That I hate him for thinking I'm strong enough to do this. And then I find myself thanking him for allowing me to be Bella's mother. For allowing me those 13 months. For giving Bella to the perfect group of people, who love her unconditionally. I must be going crazy. I really truly believe I am.
Ever since the very first time I laid eyes on you, I knew. Your were meant for me and I was meant for you. My love for you is unexplainable. Love is such a beautiful feeling. The pain I feel, I'd like to feel it forever, because it's a reminder of how much I love you. Of how much I'll always love you.
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