Lesson Learned..

It's only day three of our hospital stay, yet it feels more like week three. These past few days I've been busy feeling sorry for us. I've been dwelling on all the things we're missing out on and all the things we could be doing. I want to be able to spend the holidays at home with Bella, not at the hospital. I want to be 21; instead I've watched it go by and I'll be 22 next month. I want to be able to take long walks in the park and enjoy the sunshine with her. I want us to be anywhere but this hospital. Well things can't always be the way we want them to be. The great thing is that I think they finally figured out what is wrong with Bella. They think the ring on her stomach might have slipped and this caused her to throw up. They think that this resulted in aspirating and then fevers. Fingers crossed. I'm hoping they've figured it out for sure. This is going to be one of the longer stays, around 2 to 4 weeks. We'll see, hopefully not. The surgery can't happen until the pneumonia is cleared up so it's a waiting game. I've learned all too well about the "wait and see" plan. Ugh. It'd be nice to have answers for once. So I've been sitting in this hospital room, letting my mind wander. It's been wandering to places it shouldn't; that dark place where I wish this wasn't happening to us. I wonder sometimes, where is God now. When my daughter is going through all these things, where is He? How about when she's poke 50 million times, where is He then? And just when I start to wonder if I truly believe, He manages to make a believer out of me. Just like that. He puts someone or something in my path to remind me that we are not alone, and that we are only given as much as we can handle.
On our first day here, I dreaded having to share a room. Oakland, I tell ya, they seriously need to get a bigger pediatrics unit with PRIVATE rooms. Geeze. Anywhoo, I walk into the room, dreading who might be on the other side of the curtain. Another obnoxious parent who tunes their child out? Maybe someone who is constantly on their cell phone while my daughter tries to sleep? Or the lovely parents that listen to the TV full blast oblivious to the fact that they have neighbors? But no, not this time, instead I was greeted by a warm smile. The lady came over and introduced herself. I'm so bad with names nowadays, but she was a total sweetheart. She had been here for a few days and she offered to help me get settled in. She looked at Bella and told me how cute she was and that if I needed anything to not hesitate to ask, She knew how to do everything since she had been here for a few days. I knew how to do all the things she was showing me (we had been in this same place, in the same room, for a few days, a few weeks ago) but I didn't have the heart to tell her that, so I let her show me. It was nice to have such a nice neighbor, this was new, I liked it. As the day went on, I got to know her a little better. She told me about her 7 year old son, he had a pneumonia too, but it was rather severe. He'd had surgery and was probably going to be here for a while. I also learned that her husband is disabled and that she is 16 wks pregnant. I was rather surprised that she was so calm. She explained that she worked two jobs since her husband couldn't work. That really got to me. This petite little woman was supporting her entire family by working two jobs, her son had just had surgery and her husband would need one soon also, AND she was pregnant. I could honestly not begin to imagine how hard things must be for her. I admired her strength, and her ability to look at the bright side. She assured me she'd be okay. That first night, I didn't see her rest at all. She kept rubbing her belly and whispering something. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had felt sorry for us earlier that day, and then I felt blessed. Extremely blessed. I have a job, at times it can get stressful, but I couldn't imagine working two jobs. That was His first lesson for me during this stay.
Lesson #2 came today. I met a 19 year old girl; she's a single mother of a medically complicated child, like mine. Her daughter was born with problems in her intestine, they weren't attached or something like that. The girl is a single mother and spends almost all of her time here. Since we moved to this room, I've seen her leave once, but it was only to get something to drink and then she was right back at it. She reads to her daughter and tells her all kinds of beautiful things. She is on top of the schedules that they have her daughter on. I am amazed at how wonderful she is. But I'm really impressed that she can do this on her own. Wow. I guess, if you have to do something and you have no other choice, you'll do it. Also, by far, her age is what got to me. She's a baby herself, and she's caring for this little girl; but she's doing a wonderful job, and I'm sure that there is no one that could've done it better.
These hospital stays never fail to remind me that things could be worse. I see all these amazing parents that have so much going on, and I can't imagine dealing with all those things. My daughter has a lot of medical problems, and I'm sure some people wonder how in the world we deal, but we just do. We're all given only as much as we can handle, no more and no less.

I've become that annoying mom..

Another hospital stay, thank goodness this one was only 3 days long. Still no answers as to what is causing the fevers and she's still throwing up, but I think being home is better for us. The nurses don't do anything that I can't do at home. San Francisco Kaiser feels like a vacation spot compared to Oakland Kaiser, so I can't complain too much. During this stay I became the annoying mother that questions everything. Why are you going to try to put in an IV? You poked her 3 times already, your done. Thank you. What? You want more blood? Ha! I think not. I know it's best to let the doctors do what they think is best, and I probably took my frustration out on the doctors that had no idea why I was so upset, but I've had enough. Our last hospital stay involved various tests that had nothing to do with the fevers, numerous blood draws over and over again, and futile attempts to get an IV. We ended up going home with no answers, and they have yet to give us an answer. So when we walked into that ER yet again, I was adament about not letting them use my daughter as a push pin. She had another UTI, just as I had suspected. Go figure. Something isn't completely right, I know it, but I feel like I'm backed against a wall here. I need to be more aggressive, I should probably demand a second opinion, but I just don't know how to do it. Everyone has a suggestion, everyone thinks they know what is going on with Bella, they all think its easy. It's not. I'm dealing with work, school, and Bella's current issue. She has ongoing fevers that only occur during the very early morning and she's throwing up milk despite the fundoplacation surgery. I know I need to get things going and try to get answers, but getting the doctors is close to impossible. I'll figure it out, I've got to.
This week has been so hectic, work has been beyond stressful, I couldn't even take the time off to be at the hospital, and school.. well that had to be put on hold for this week at least. Bella's dad was a huge help. I don't think I give the guy enough credit sometimes, he made things so much better. He stayed with her while I was at work and gave me a chance to get some sleep. He's great with Bella, it makes my heart melt when I see them together. He adores her, just like she adores him; It's truely a beautiful sight. We have our differences, but I think we're doing a pretty good job so far with Bella. I pray that we will remain friends for Bella's sake, she needs parents that love her and don't lose sight of that, not parents that are at each other's throats all the time. We've had a rough first year, there's no other way to describe it, but I know that we both love Bella and that's all that matters. I love him for loving her with that same unconditional love that I have for her. Isabella is my world, just like she's his too. I'm not exactly sure what God has planned, but I trust him. We have an exceptionally wonderful little girl, and I know that our future holds something extrodinary.