Bella is everywhere..

I woke up knowing that today was not going to be a good day. I have had this overwhelming feeling for the past few days. It could be that the 28th of the month is just around the corner or it could also be this depressing weather. I think that the sun needs to just come out, and stay out. I also think that we should really consider taking the number 28 out of the calendar. It hurts too much to know that by now we'd almost be halfway to 2 years old. Instead of planning a wonderful birthday party, I'll be trying to figure out ways to honor the memory of my little love. 

The day before yesterday I was sitting at the mausoleum looking at pictures of Bella. I was going through each one and trying to remember exactly what we did the day that each one was taken. One by one, they each had a story to tell; what caused that smile? Who was holding her? Who picked that outfit? I can usually get through each one feeling satisfied that I can remember all the details, relieved that I haven't forgotten. There is a picture where Bella looks like she is staring directly at me with that look. She used to stare at me when I would talk, almost as if she knew exactly what I was talking about, then she'd kind of sigh (like she was bored) and she'd turn her little face away. I sat and stared at that picture for the longest time, imagining that exact expression. Wishing that it was her and not just a picture of her. There are just some days that her absence is more devastating than usual and some days that the pictures are just too much of a reminder of what we're missing, but for the most part they are comforting. A reminder of this little angel we were blessed to have met.

I had a dream last night that Bella was with me. In the dream I was holding her and I didn't want anyone to take her from me. I sat with her and I had this feeling of completeness, I was happy. I couldn't see her beautiful little face, but I knew it was her. Bella started to choke on her saliva; that familiar sound that I used to worry about. I woke up from my dream looking for her. I wanted to turn around and find her there, but I just found the empty spot where she used to sleep. I know that it's selfish of me to want her back. I know that Bella is in a better place. I just can't help missing her so much. She completely stole my heart.

I stopped by 7-eleven today on my way to school and as I was walking out towards my car, I noticed that the car next to me had parked really close to me. I had to wait until the man took his daughter out of the car so that I could get in mine. I waited patiently, even though I was already running late (Bella gave me one of her famous nudges). The man was talking to his daughter and she was giggling; she looked like such a happy little girl, not to mention that he looked like such a proud dad. I couldn't help but smile. The man looked over at me and said good morning, his daughter was smiling at me too, she must've been about three years old. I told him how cute she was and he said, "Yeah, she gets her looks from her mom. Kids are so much fun, you should have one." I stood there nodding in agreement. You're right, kids are fun. I know, because I've had one. What I wouldn't give to have my sweet baby with me. Is it written all over my face that my child is gone? Or did you just assume that I don't have one? How in the world did you know that my daughter isn't with me? You didn't notice her car seat, it's still back there. That's what  I really wanted to say, but instead, I got into my car and drove off; the tears just kept coming. Of course, that man had no idea, he was just trying to be nice; but I felt like someone had knocked all the air out of me. I don't know why that comment hit me so hard, but it did. I felt like today was going to be a bad day, and it was. It's okay though, because not all days are like today.

Lately it feels like Bella is everywhere. She's the sunshine that comes out unexpectedly, or the gentle breeze that kisses my cheeks. The other day, I was out to dinner with Bella's godparents and we were talking about how Bella is with us wherever we go. I'm always running late to everything, but it seems like anywhere I go, I find the best parking. I like to believe it's Bella. She probably thinks, "I'll save this parking for my mom so that maybe she won't be late." It's a nice little image that makes me smile. Signs of her presence seem to pop up everywhere. There was a man sitting a few seats away from us wearing a shirt that said Chao Bella, we all smiled because we knew. Bella was there with us, smiling that we were all together. I was so blessed to have had Bella here with me, and as much as it hurts not to have her here, I know that she is happy. I know that she is always with me, and in that I find comfort. Sometimes, it just feels better to be angry, or to be sad, or to simply feel cheated of time. However, there are also days where I feel like the luckiest person to have been able to meet such a beautiful little angel, to have and to hold in my heart for a lifetime.

Just remember, there isn't a single moment that you're not on my mind.
I love you Lovebug.
I always will.

I have a daughter..

I have a daughter, an amazing little girl. She has a perfect smile and beautiful brown eyes. She would've been 1 year, 4 months, and 17 days today. She might've been holding her head up by now, she might've even been sitting up, but you see, I'll never really know because she's an angel now. I'll never again be able to hold her dearly or kiss her little forehead.
So while there are mothers out there that complain about their baby that won't sleep, their baby that gets into everything, or the child that constantly wants to be with them, I long for an opportunity to deal with any of those things. I long for those sleepless nights. I ache to hear that cry, just one more time. I yearn for the feeling I'd get everytime she'd look for me with those big brown eyes.

As each day passes, I realize more and more how much of my identity is gone. I was a mother. Honestly, since the day I found out I was pregnant, that was the new me. When I gave birth to Bella I talked proudly about my wonderful daughter. I'd brag about how strong and brave she was. I wanted everyone to know about her. When she passed away, it was difficult to explain that my wonderful, brave little girl was gone; that I'd no longer have any new wonderful things to tell about her. There are no longer new pictures to show off. There are no more stories to tell of her bravery. There are simply memories. Memories that I can no longer share because the death of a child is something that no one wants to deal with. So, to the outside world I am a student, I am a woman, but I am no longer what I want to be more than anything else, a mother. How I had yearned to hear her call me mom. Now I am me, the me I was before Bella, except now I know that there was something missing all along. I wasn't complete until I met her.

Its been three months and 10 days since Bella returned to Heaven, but to me it feels like its been an eternity. I feel like the days drag on. People are astonished that we are already in March. I, on the other hand, am very well aware that we are in March; it feels like it took years to get here. I don't want to grow old anymore, I don't want to live a long life.
A healthy life, long enough to make a difference in at least one persons life, and then I want to be done. I'd like to get back to being Bella's mom.



Someday Lovebug, It'll be you & me again.