Lovebug

On some of the hardest days I feel like Bella always finds a way to let me know she's with me... Whether it be a shooting star, a butterfly, or a lady bug, she just always seems to know when I need her; this morning was no exception. She was all I could think about this morning and I found myself feeling rather distraught.

When I arrived at my desk, I noticed a little ladybug making its way across my desk calendar... 

And I couldn't help but smile because I don't think it's just a coincidence. 

Notice that it landed on the word love?

I've always referred to Bella as my little Lovebug.

Bella would've been 3 and a half today, and I find myself wondering what she might have looked like. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if Bella were still here. I find myself fantasizing life with Bella physically here, and my heart hurts because it just knows how impossible that is now. Easter is coming up, and that's always a tough holiday for me. I can remember the one Easter we spent together as if it were just yesterday. The details of that day are so clear; her outfit, the weather, and the events that took place that day. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that happened, but for some reason I can remember every bit about it, and I'm thankful for the memories.

These days are hard, but I do know for sure that my little Lovebug is always with me. I have no doubt about that. Bella changed my entire life, and I'm so grateful that I was given the gift of being her mother.

Allowing myself to feel...

It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 18 days; 839 days to be exact.Yet, here I am, not seeing any signs of light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm not sure if it's because I refuse to see it, or if I simply haven't walked far enough to get there. I just miss her. All the time. Every moment of every single day.

I've been emotionally all over the place lately.

I'm not happy. 

I'm actually really, really sad; a lot. 

My heart is almost always heavy. 

And I'm still in a love/hate relationship with God.

But I feel like it's that point in time where I should have a grip on things, my emotions, all of it... 

I thought I had reached that place of peace that some people talk about, but I think I might've just reached a whole new level of pain. My heart just hurts. From the outside looking in, I've done rather well. Silly me, even I thought I had handled it pretty well. But now, reality has set in. I'm not doing okay, and I'm slowly starting to understand that I don't need to be okay for anyone.

I am weak. I am hurting. I am lost. I am trying so hard to find my way, but I just haven't had the words to say that. I've only recently allowed myself to even admit those things to myself. Lately, I've been acting so out of character, I haven't been myself. At some point, I felt the pain grow more and more intense, and I ran from it. I put on a smile, I reached out to old friends, and I booked the first flight to anywhere but here. I spent a weekend being a woman with no worries. A woman who knew how to have fun. A woman who didn't know the pain of losing her entire world. I ran away from grief. I truly believed that I could outrun the pain, but clearly that's not possible. 

I tried to convince myself that this new adventurous behavior was simply part of the old me, and that maybe I was healing; too bad that just isn't true. That isn't me. I'm just scared. Scared of truly feeling the intensity of the hurt. Scared of admitting that I can't feel better just yet. I have put so much energy into 'feeling' better lately, only to realize that I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for everyone else. I want everyone else to be happy, so I pretend to be happy too. I can't tell them everything is going to be okay without actually looking like I believe it too. But it's exhausting to have to be strong for everyone else. I'm slowly starting to realize that it's time to take care of me. And just admitting that has already lifted such a huge burden off my shoulders. 

There are going to be times that I won't have time to see friends, or talk to them, or text them back. There are going to be periods of time where I just simply need to check out for some time. I need to just give myself time to feel sad and actually be sad. I need to stop worrying about everyone else, and just start worrying about me and my broken heart. Bella was mine. I carried her for 7 and a half months. I was there every single day of her life. I loved her with every ounce of my being. And so.. I have every right to feel the way that I do. I don't know why I feel the need to justify it, but I do. I guess what I'm really trying to say is, it's time I cut myself some slack.

I miss her. I wish that I could see her now. I wish that I could hold her and kiss her and just breathe in the beautiful, sweet scent of Bella. There isn't anything easy about losing her. It's hard, incredibly hard. And there isn't a single day that I'm not aware of how grateful I should be that she was mine. I am grateful, overwhelmingly grateful, but that doesn't mean that I don't shake my fists at God every now and then for taking her.

Deep down, I know that there is a greater reason behind all of it. Bella was made especially for me, and I was made for her. I have experienced a form of love that some people may live their entire lives looking for. I am humbled to know that I didn't have to do anything to experience it, Bella just gave it to me; a love so pure, and real, and unconditional. 

Our time may have been brief, but ultimately, Bella changed my world in more ways than anyone could ever possibly understand; and for that, I am eternally grateful.

My heart. My soul. My everything.