Elephants

Elephants live in a society much like ours. They travel in matriarchal packs, mothers and daughters walk side by side for years with their aunts and sisters. They are either right handed or left handed. They find their way home years after they have left. When they are close to dying they make their way to a river bed for nature to take its course.

Elephants bury their dead, and grieve.
Naturalist have seen a mother elephant carry a dead calf for miles, cradled in her trunk, unwilling and unable to let it go.

The day Bella returned to heaven, I held on for hours hoping that at any moment she'd come back. Wishing that it was all just a huge misunderstanding. Waiting for her to take another breath, to let me know that she wasn't really gone.
I understand why the elephant holds on for so long, I know the reasoning behind it.

These past few days, all I can think of is the fact that this is permanent. She's gone. I can't remember how many teeth she had. I've tried over and over to count them in my head, but I just can't see them anymore. I can't remember how long her hair was. I don't recall if she'd actually laugh when I'd sing the itsy bitsy spider to her, or if I'm making that up in my head. The memories are fuzzy, and I'm terrified of losing them.

I don't know the reasoning behind all of this. I can't come to terms with the fact that she is gone. But one thing I do know is that Bella is always with me, in everything that I do. I took a trip to Hawaii, and everything reminded me of her.
The beauty of the sunset.
The feeling of reaching the top of Diamond Head Crater.
The reassurance of a butterfly dancing around us.
She is everywhere. She is my beautiful blessing.

The beauty of the sunset.
It reminded me of you.

I know you're always near.
I can feel it.

I miss you, every moment of every single day.
We made it to the top of Diamond Head Crater.
Together.

 

If you were to run into me today, and you didn't know anything about me, you'd probably think that I was a normal 22 year old. You'd see my smile, and you'd be fooled into thinking that life is good. You'd hear me laugh and you'd think that my life is carefree and fun. I could probably win a grammy at this point for my newfound acting skills. There are times when I am actually enjoying myself. There are times when I don't have to pretend. However, those times are very sparse and spread out.
This is a work in progress, and I hope that someday I might not have to pretend anymore.

Ever since Bella passed away, I'm not sure if I pushed people away unconciously, or if they simply went away on their own. I don't think I really had time to notice, so I'm assuming it was probably me. To be honest, I'm not completely bummed out about people having walked out of my life, it's just amazing how many of them go. On December 7th, 2010, I learned what it was to lose the most important person in my life, so anyone I've lost after that can't compare.
I made an effort to "reconnect" with some old friends and it was nice. I managed to pretend the entire time that things were absolutely normal. I put on my smile, I brought out my charm, and I managed to make it through. I had fun. The most fun I've had in a long time actually. But, I did this all without mentioning Bella once, and I hate myself for it. I knew it would make them uncomfortable, and to avoid the awkwardness, I spoke about things that didn't matter. I let them talk to me about how "difficult" their lives were because of their boyfriends, or their lack of boyfriends. I pretended to be interested. I had nothing new to tell them, nothing interesting or worth telling. I told them about my upcoming trip to Hawaii and I acted like I was excited. I think they think I'm the old me again. What they don't realize though, is that the old me is gone.

My worst fear is that someday Bella will be forgotten. I'm afraid that someday she'll simply be a part of the past. I want to take her with me to my future. I don't know how to explain it, but I desparately need to keep her memory alive. When someone mentions her name, I feel relieved to know that she wasn't simply a dream. She really existed. She really happened. She was here. She was mine.

"She was my dream.
 She made me who I am, and holding her in my arms was more natural to me than my own heartbeat.
 I think about her all the time.
Even now, when I'm sitting here, I think about her."
-Nicholas Sparks ♥

I'd do it all over again.

I wish I had something inspirational or admirable to say. I would love to be able to say that I've become a better person, or that I've grown so much since December 7th when Bella returned to heaven, but I can't.

There are people that can gracefully come out of a situation like this. They can see things that I'm starting to think I can't or don't want to see. I don't think I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. I don't want to think of the future, but I know it's coming. I don't want to make plans, but I know they must be made. I'd love for the world to stop spinning, but it won't. The sun will continue to rise, despite the fact that I'd prefer it didn't. Life will go on, although, I wish it wouldn't.

I think I've always been a fairly optimistic person. I am usually the first to look at the glass as half full, rather than half empty. I'm the person that gives a bum money along with a smile, because I'd want to be treated with respect if I were ever in that situation. I'm no Mother Teresa, but I would classify myself as generally a good person. I used to believe that bad things happen to bad people. I thought that if you'd commit a good deed, you'd be saved somehow, from bad things. That is probably one of my biggest mistakes. Bad things happen to everyone, and good things do too.

Bella is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't explain the happiness that she brought into my life. It's amazing, almost unbelieveable, how such a tiny little person can make your entire world feel complete. Given the choice to go back and do this all over again, I would, in a heartbeat. I'd take all the good, and even the bad. Yes, even the bad.

I'm not a strong person, I'm not an admirable one, and I'm most definitely not inspirational. I've been forced to go on this journey that no one would willingly go on. Some have said, "I don't know how you do it. I could never survive." But the reality is, that you probably would survive. You wouldn't be proud of yourself, but you'd survive nontheless. And I'm not even sure that I'd call it surviving because it doesn't feel like it.

These past few days we've been "blessed" with good weather. It's been very hot in the bay area. Days like these remind me of Bella. We had our fair share of "good weather" days together. Everytime I see a baby with chunky little feet, I'm reminded of her. It seems like parents have all gotten together and decided to dress their little girls in completely pink outfits, just like I used to dress her. I saw a Dad rocking his little girl to sleep, and it reminded me of Bella and her Dad. Days like these are harder than usual, but I'm grateful to have the memories. 

I love you.
 I am who I am because of you.
 You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had ♥